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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27035059">Defy the Stars</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/darthswift13/pseuds/darthswift13'>darthswift13</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Star Wars Sequel Trilogy</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Abandonment Issues, Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Theatre, Angst with a Happy Ending, Epistolary, Explicit Sexual Content, F/M, First Kiss, Light Angst, Loss of Virginity, References to Childhood Abandonment, References to Depression, References to Emotional Abuse, Romeo and Juliet References, Social Media AU, Textfic, Therapy, pregnancy in epilogue, references to self harm</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-10-16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-10-17</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 18:01:38</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Explicit</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>25</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>31,599</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27035059</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/darthswift13/pseuds/darthswift13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Ben Solo has been getting in trouble for petty crimes on campus, and as part of his penance, he has to join an extra-curricular activity. He reluctantly auditions for the drama club’s production of Romeo &amp; Juliet, and is cast opposite the eager overachieving freshman Rey Johnson.</p><p> </p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Rey/Ben Solo, Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>28</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>178</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>This Social Media AU was originally posted on Twitter, but I wanted to have it preserved here❤️ I also know it's easier for some people to read on AO3. This is my favorite story I've ever written, and I truly hope you enjoy reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it. Kudos and comments are always tremendously appreciated if you like the story. Thanks for reading!</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p><p>
  
</p><p> </p>
<p></p><div class="center"></div><div class="center">
  <p>
    <b> <em> <span class="u">Our Juliet and her Romeo</span> </em> </b>
  </p>
</div><div class="center"></div><div class="center">
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  </p>
</div><div class="center"></div><div class="center">
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  </p>
</div><div class="center"></div><div class="center">
  <p>
    <span class="u"> <em> <strong>Rey's Friends</strong> </em> </span>
  </p>
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  <p>
    
  </p>
</div><div class="center"></div><div class="center">
  <p>
    <span class="u"> <strong> <em>Ben's partner in (literal) crime</em> </strong> </span>
  </p>
</div><div class="center">
  <p> </p>
</div><div class="center">
  <p>
    <span class="u"> <strong> <em>  </em> </strong> </span>
  </p>
</div><div class="center">
  <p> </p>
</div><div class="center">
  <p>
    <span class="u"> <strong> <em>Meet the Theater Professor  &amp;  Director of Romeo &amp; Juliet</em> </strong> </span>
  </p>
</div><div class="center">
  <p> </p>
</div><div class="center">
  <p>
    <span class="u"> <strong> <em>  </em> </strong> </span>
  </p>
</div><div class="center"></div>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p></p><div class="center"><p><b>From</b> : Jannah Calrissian &lt;<span class="u"> jcalrissian@briarbrook.edu</span> &gt;</p><p><b>Sent</b>: January 23, 2020 9:23 AM</p><p><b>To</b> : Maz Kanata &lt; <span class="u">mkanata@briarbrook.edu</span> &gt;</p><p><b>Subject</b>: Research project</p><p> </p><p>Hello Professor Kanata,</p><p> </p><p>I know we had spoken previously about working on an interdisciplinary research project regarding the efficacy of drama therapy in reducing criminal behavior.</p><p> </p><p>I’ve just had a student referred to me who has committed several misdemeanours on campus. The administration has determined he needs to complete 100 hours of community service and along with attending counseling sessions. They have also mandated that he joins an extracurricular activity, the logic being that it will help him feel more involved in the campus community and less likely to want to commit further crimes as a result. </p><p> </p><p>I think he could be a good candidate as a subject for our research project, and I understand auditions for “Romeo and Juliet” are coming up soon. If he can read lines well enough to get even just a small part, I think it could provide a therapeutic benefit for him, and also could provide interesting insights into our research. </p><p> </p><p>Please let me know your thoughts!</p><p> </p><p>Best Regards,</p><p> </p><p>
    <b>Jannah Calrissian, Ph.D.</b>
  </p><p>Clinical Psychologist </p><p>Tel. 847-55-9484</p>
<hr/><p> </p><p><b>From</b> : Maz Kanata &lt;<span class="u"> mkanata@briarbrook.edu</span> &gt;</p><p><b>Sent</b>: January 23, 2020 10:05 AM</p><p><b>To</b> : Jannah Calrissian &lt; <span class="u">jcalrissian@briarbrook.edu</span> &gt;</p><p><b>Subject</b>: Re: Research project</p><p> </p><p>Hello Dr. Calrissian,</p><p> </p><p>Always lovely to hear from you! This sounds like a marvelous idea. By all means, he is welcome to audition for “Romeo &amp; Juliet”, and do let me know if he decides he is willing to be a subject for our research. </p><p> </p><p>All the Best,</p><p> </p><p>
    <b>Maz Kanata</b>
  </p><p>Briarbrook Department of Theater Arts Faculty</p><p>Tel. 847-555-3287</p></div><div class="center">
  <hr/>
  <p> </p>
</div><div class="center">
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  <hr/>
  <p>
    <strong> <em> <span class="u">After rehearsal</span> </em> </strong>
  </p>
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    <strong> <em> <span class="u">  </span> </em> </strong>
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    <strong> <em> <span class="u">  </span> </em> </strong>
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    <strong> <em> <span class="u">  </span> </em> </strong>
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    <strong> <em> <span class="u">  </span> </em> </strong>
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    <strong> <em> <span class="u">  </span> </em> </strong>
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    <strong> <em> <span class="u">  </span> </em> </strong>
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<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Chapter 3</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <b>Therapy Progress Notes </b>
</p><p><b>Date</b>: 1/31/20</p><p><b>Start of Care</b>: 1/24/20</p><p><b>Patient Name</b>: Benjamin Organa Solo</p><p><b>DOB:</b> 2/22/97</p><p> </p><p>Patient appears very agitated today and reports urges to engage in criminal behaviors again. </p><p> </p><p>Patient states he does not believe participating in “Romeo &amp; Juliet” with the drama society is helping reduce his impulsive and destructive behaviors, but is, rather, only increasing his urges to engage in criminal activities. </p><p> </p><p>Patient reports frustrations with the cast, primarily the actress portraying Juliet. The patient spent the majority of the session expressing his annoyance with this woman whom he pejoratively refers to as the ‘Duchess of Cambridge.’</p><p> </p><p>He describes the woman as being high-strung, bossy, easily annoyed, quick to anger, ‘prissy’, and ‘exhausting.’ He complains that she smiles too much and he finds her ‘excessively, almost exaggeratedly posh and formal’ British accent ‘irritating.’</p><p> </p><p>When I pointed out that for someone he finds so bothersome, he just spent 40 minutes of his 45 minute session talking about her, the client became visibly angry and defensive. </p>
<hr/><p>
  
</p><p>
  
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<hr/><p>
  
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<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Chapter 4</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>When Rey arrives in the theater, Ben is already there waiting, sitting on the edge of the stage with his face buried in his script, diligently taking notes. For someone who scoffed at being in this  ‘silly little play’, he sure seems to be taking his role seriously. </p><p> </p><p>He’s wearing the same leather jacket he always wears on top of a slightly too tight black t-shirt that emphasizes the outline of his broad and muscular chest, along with black jeans and black leather boots.</p><p> </p><p>His hair is tousled in that same effortless way that it always is, gentle raven colored waves cascading against his pale skin. He absent-mindedly runs his hand through his hair as he continues to pour over his script, apparently unaware of Rey’s presence.</p><p> </p><p>She clears her throat, her tone haughty and condescending. </p><p> </p><p>“Nice of you to show up, Solo,” she quips.</p><p> </p><p>He glances up and rolls his eyes.</p><p> </p><p>“Ah yes, always a pleasure to see you, fair <em> Juliet </em>,” he says, his voice thick with sarcasm, adding a mocking emphasis to the name of her character.</p><p> </p><p>Rey sighs, exasperated, as she slides her backpack off her back and sets it on one of the red velvet upholstered seats. She unzips her bag and retrieves her script.</p><p> </p><p>“Can we just get this over with already?” she snaps.</p><p> </p><p>“Well, we don’t really have a choice, now, do we?” Ben mutters as he slides off of his perch on the edge of the stage.</p><p> </p><p>“Right then,” Rey says awkwardly, glancing up at Ben briefly before thumbing through her script. “Act I, scene 5, then?”</p><p> </p><p>Ben nods without looking up from his script and turns to the scene. He clears his throat, his features scrunching up in concentration.</p><p> </p><p>“I profane with my unworthiest hand —” he pauses awkwardly. “Um. I think we’re supposed to be touching hands during this part, right?” </p><p> </p><p>“Oh! Right, of course,” Rey replies with a fraught, nervous laugh.</p><p> </p><p>With one hand on his script, he extends the other to her, as his eyes dart up to the ceiling, avoiding eye contact. Rey hesitates for a moment before reaching out and gingerly placing her hand in his. </p><p> </p><p>She hopes he doesn’t notice her sharp intake of breath.</p><p> </p><p>She notices immediately that his hand is quite large and totally engulfs her tiny, lithe fingers. </p><p> </p><p>She also notices an unmistakable electricity blossoming from their entwined hands, and it sends shockwaves across her skin.</p><p> </p><p>Ben clears his throat and Rey snaps out of her reverie.</p><p> </p><p>“If I profane with my unworthiest hand,” he rejoins. </p><p> </p><p>His voice is stiff and awkward at first but then his countenance changes as he slips into character. </p><p> </p><p>“This <em> holy </em>shrine, the gentle sin is this,” his dark eyes flash as a smirk tugs at the corners of his mouth. “My lips, two blushing pilgrims ready stand to smooth that rough touch with a tender kiss.”</p><p> </p><p>His voice is as smooth as silk as these words fall from his lips and Rey feels her cheeks flushing hot. She hopes he doesn’t notice. </p><p> </p><p>“G—good pilgrim,” she replies, trying to steady her breathing and ignore the drum of her heartbeat blazing in her ears. She closes her eyes and takes a deep breath, trying to get herself back into character. </p><p> </p><p><em> You are Juliet Capulet, </em> she reminds herself. <em> It is the sixteenth century, and you are in beautiful Verona, Italy at a lavish ball. You’ve just met your soulmate, and you are completely breath-taken, awestruck as you take in the sight of your beloved. </em></p><p> </p><p>She opens her eyes.</p><p> </p><p>“Good pilgrim,” she starts again, her hazel eyes twinkling as she tilts her head, a crooked smile blooming across her face. “You do wrong your hand too much, which mannerly devotion shows in this — for <em> saints </em>have hands that pilgrims hands do touch—”</p><p> </p><p>Lips parted and eyes wide, she smoothly shifts her hand and presses it against Ben’s palm, and she is once again struck by how tiny her hand appears in comparison to his.</p><p> </p><p>“And palm to palm,” she says, moving closer to him, eyes looking upwards, her gaze glued to his, “is holy palmer’s kiss.” She adds this last part more softly as she lets her eyes linger on his lips.</p><p> </p><p>Ben tilts his head.</p><p> </p><p>“Have saint’s not lips, and holy palmers, too?”</p><p> </p><p>Rey smirks as she pulls her hand away. </p><p> </p><p>“<em> Aye </em> , pilgrim, lips that they must use in <em> pray’r </em>,” she recites with a teasing grin. </p><p> </p><p>Ben suddenly takes her hand again and pulls her towards him, and she gasps. She hopes he will think this is an acting choice, and not a bewildering involuntary response. </p><p> </p><p>He’s not looking at his script anymore.</p><p> </p><p>“O then, <em> dear </em> saint, let lips do as hands do,” he says, and he is also breathing heavily now, but he’s just acting, too, Rey assures herself. “They <em> pray.” </em></p><p> </p><p>He pauses, letting his thumb swirl circles against the back of Rey’s hand as he squeezes it tighter.</p><p> </p><p>“<em> Grant </em> thou,” he says imploringly, “lest faith turn to despair.”</p><p> </p><p>Rey scoffs, pulling her hand away again.</p><p> </p><p>“Saints do not <em> move </em>,” she says, turning away from him as she stalks off in the other direction. “Though grant for prayer’s sake,” she adds, head turning over her shoulder as her eyes flit back to meet his gaze.</p><p> </p><p>“Then move <em> not </em>,” he says fiercely, stepping towards her and taking her hand again, stopping her in her tracks, “while my prayer’s effect, I take.”</p><p> </p><p>Rey slowly turns around and lets both of her hands intertwine with his as she gazes up into his dark eyes, those maddening dark eyes of his that seem to be growing darker still by the second. </p><p> </p><p>“Thus,” he says softly, lowering his face towards hers.</p><p> </p><p>“From my lips,” he continues, as he tilts his head and she raises her chin, their gazes locked.</p><p> </p><p>“By thine,” his hand brushes underneath her chin, and her breathing quickens. “My sin is purg’d.”</p><p> </p><p>They stand there for a moment, afraid to move, lingering in the tense silence.</p><p> </p><p>After a beat, Rey unclasps her hands from his and steps away, lowering her eyes to the ground. She clears her throat dramatically.</p><p> </p><p>“I um—I think that’s enough running lines for today,” she says awkwardly as she hurries to shove her script into her backpack.</p><p> </p><p>Ben nods.</p><p><br/>
“Right,” he says hurriedly. “Couldn’t agree more.”</p><p> </p><p>“I’ll, um,” Rey starts, quickly glancing over her shoulder, “see you at rehearsal, I guess.”</p><p> </p><p>“Right,” Ben rejoins, nodding furiously. “Rehearsal. Right. See you there.”</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Chapter 5</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  
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</p><p>
  
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<hr/><p> </p><p>
  <span class="u"> <strong> <em>Rey: Do you think I could get Finn or Poe to kiss me first instead?</em> </strong> </span>
</p><p><br/>
<span class="u"> <strong> <em>Also Rey:</em> </strong> </span>
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<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Chapter 6</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <b>Therapy Progress Notes </b>
</p>
<p><b>Date</b>: 2/7/20</p>
<p><b>Start of Care</b>: 1/24/20</p>
<p><b>Patient Name</b>: Benjamin Organa Solo</p>
<p><b>DOB:</b> 2/22/97</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Patient is notably quieter and more withdrawn today. When prompted about the girl he spent our entire previous session discussing, the patient responded, “What girl?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I reminded him that he seemed quite preoccupied with the girl at his last session, and he was <em> very </em>insistent that he is not preoccupied with her. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>He then proceeded to discuss the girl at length again, noting that they ran lines together for the first time this week and that he was begrudgingly impressed with her acting skills; he noted that she must be talented if he could believe she was falling in love with him, when he said he knows for a fact that she loathes him.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>At this moment, the patient’s typically gruff and standoffish demeanor subsided slightly. He said that while he knows it was all just acting, the experience made him strangely emotional in a way that he found alarming. He said he has spent most of the week trying to ignore these emotions and fighting his impulsive urges to destroy things.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>When asked why the experience made him emotional, he said that while he knows they were just playing characters and what happened between them wasn’t real, he hasn’t been able to stop thinking about how nice it was just to hold her hand. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>As soon as he said this, he appeared to regret it, and his brusque demeanor immediately returned. He said that it was a stupid thing to say, to pretend he never said it, and to please not make a note of it. He went on to clarify that she is the most annoying person he’s ever met and he has no desire to hold hands with her again.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>When I asked the patient why he has such a hard time admitting that he liked holding her hand, he became extremely agitated, saying that maybe he should’ve just let them kick him out of school and that he never should have agreed to do counseling or to try out for that ‘stupid play.’</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The patient then gathered his belongings and abruptly stormed out of my office.</p><hr/>
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<p>
  <span class="u"> <strong> <em>Rey is Currently Listening To:</em> </strong> </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span class="u"> <strong> <em>  </em> </strong> </span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. Chapter 7</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Rey has noticed that Ben tends to get to rehearsal early so he can work on his homework. It makes her wonder why someone so studious would so recklessly put his education in jeopardy with all his stupid choices.</p><p> </p><p>She wants to tell him that she’s never kissed anyone, and she thought it was a conversation that would be better to have in person for several reasons, none of which she would ever admit to Kaydel and Rose.</p><p> </p><p>When she enters the theater he is, sure enough, perched on the edge of the stage, pouring over one of his textbooks. She makes her way down the aisle and he must not have heard her open the door, because he remains singularly focused on his work. His brow furrows as his concentration deepens.</p><p> </p><p>As she approaches the stage, he still doesn’t look up, so she marches right up to him.</p><p> </p><p>“Um...hi,” she blurts out, her voice coming louder than she had intended it to. </p><p> </p><p>Ben is startled and he abruptly drops his text book.</p><p> </p><p>He closes his eyes in frustration as he lets out an exasperated sigh.</p><p> </p><p>“Jesus Christ, you scared the shit out of me,” he mutters. </p><p> </p><p>She is beginning to regret her decision to come talk to him. </p><p> </p><p>“God, I’m sorry I startled you, but you don’t need to <em> shout </em>,” she snaps as she reaches down to pick up the textbook. He reaches down at that exact moment, and their hands brush. </p><p> </p><p>They both freeze in place for a moment until Rey clears her throat and pulls her hand away, allowing him to pick up the book. </p><p> </p><p>Ben waits expectantly for her to say something, but she just stares blankly, like she’s forgotten how to form words.</p><p> </p><p>“Well, anyway, I need to focus, so I am going to find another place to work,” Ben says after a moment as he slides off the stage. </p><p> </p><p>“Wait,” Rey says suddenly. </p><p> </p><p><em> What are you doing, you idiot? </em>She thinks to herself. </p><p> </p><p>She should’ve just told him over text and gotten it over with. It’s not like he’s going to be understanding or nice about it, anyway.</p><p> </p><p>Ben sighs again and rolls his eyes.</p><p> </p><p>“Yes?” he replies, his voice dripping with annoyance. </p><p> </p><p>“Um,” Rey swallows hard. “Um, there’s, um...something I, uh... wanted to talk to you about. If that’s okay.”</p><p> </p><p>“Well, I imagine you’re going to tell me whether I want to hear it or not, so go ahead,” he retorts.</p><p> </p><p><em> Stupid stupid stupid, </em> Rey thinks. <em> This was a huge mistake.  </em></p><p> </p><p>And yet, she can’t seem to stop herself from saying the words that come pouring out of her mouth next.</p><p><br/>“I’ve never kissed anyone before,” she blurts out, and as soon as she has said it out loud, she regrets it.</p><p> </p><p>But to her surprise, Ben’s expression seems to soften somewhat.</p><p> </p><p>“Really?” he asks, his head tilting slightly. “That’s surprising.”</p><p> </p><p>“W-why is it surprising?” Rey stammers. </p><p> </p><p>“Because... you’re very pretty, that’s all,” he replies simply, as though he is just stating an objective fact.</p><p> </p><p>Now she’s blushing, and she hates herself for it. </p><p> </p><p>“Oh, um,” she stammers, looking down at her ballet flats, her feet shuffling awkwardly. “Thank...you?” </p><p> </p><p>“You’re welcome,” he replies stiffly, his eyes darting to the ceiling.</p><p> </p><p>Silence hangs heavy in the air between them, both of them afraid to say anything. </p><p> </p><p>“Is there um — is there anything I can do to make you feel more comfortable, seeing as we will be kissing each other in the play?” he finally asks, letting his eyes meet hers.</p><p> </p><p>Rey is immediately taken aback.</p><p> </p><p>“Um,” she stammers, uncertain how to respond to his unexpected thoughtfulness. “I don’t know?”</p><p> </p><p>“I will be sure to stock up on lots of mints,” he offers with a slight smile, and Rey finds herself letting out an awkward chuckle.</p><p> </p><p>“That would — that be good,” she manages. </p><p> </p><p>“You know,” he starts quietly, “It might — it might be awkward to have your first kiss in front of Professor Kanata and the whole cast and I was thinking, if you want to avoid having your first kiss be performed publicly I could, um, you know, if you’re comfortable with it — and only if you’re comfortable with — perhaps I could kiss you now so your first kiss doesn’t end up being a public performance. And, I mean, besides, we should probably get used to kissing each other anyway, since we’re... unfortunately going to be doing it a lot.”</p><p> </p><p>Rey considers this for a moment.</p><p> </p><p>“You... raise a good point,” she replies. “It <em> would </em> be rather awkward to have my first kiss in front of Professor Kanata and the whole cast...and, I mean, as I’m sure you know, you’re the last person I would want to have my first kiss with but...since we’re going to have to be kissing each other anyway...”</p><p> </p><p><em> What am I doing, what am I doing, what am I doing </em> is the singular thought racing through Rey’s brain at this moment, but it is increasingly drowned out by her thunderous heartbeat.</p><p> </p><p>“So — are you — you’re saying you would like me to kiss you now, then?” he asks slowly. </p><p> </p><p>“Um, yeah, but um... just to um...to get it over with, you know,” she adds in a panicked flourish. </p><p> </p><p>“Right,” he replies quietly, nodding in understanding, but if she didn’t know better she would think there was something resembling hurt glistening in his dark eyes. </p><p> </p><p>“So...” Rey says awkwardly. “I’m uh...ready whenever you are, I guess.”</p><p> </p><p>Ben nods and gingerly sets his textbook back down on the stage. </p><p> </p><p>He steps closer to her, and now they are only a breath away from one another. He reaches out and tucks a stray strand of her hair behind her ear.</p><p> </p><p>“You have freckles,” he says softly. “I hadn’t noticed before.”</p><p> </p><p>He pauses again, his brow furrowing with slight concern. </p><p> </p><p>“Are you sure you want me to kiss you, Rey?”</p><p> </p><p>She nods, and she’s grateful she managed to suppress the desperate <em> please, Ben </em>she feels blossoming in the back of her throat. </p><p> </p><p>She must be imagining things, because it looks like the corners of his mouth are twitching into a smile in response to her permissive nod.</p><p> </p><p>He leans in closer to her, titling his head slightly as he brushes her cheek with the back of his hand and then slowly starts guiding her chin towards his lips. </p><p> </p><p>“Ah, your eyes are hazel, then,” he murmurs. “I couldn’t quite figure out what color they were before.”</p><p> </p><p>And then, softly, so, so <em> softly </em> she could melt, he places the gentlest of kisses on her lips.</p><p> </p><p>O trespass sweetly urged, <em> indeed </em>. </p><p> </p><p><em> Give me my sin again, </em>every part of her seems to scream.</p><p> </p><p>She’s breathing so heavily it’s audible now, her lips parted as she gazes upward at him.</p><p> </p><p>“Was that okay?” he asks.</p><p> </p><p>It was much more than just <em> okay </em>, but she won’t say that out loud. </p><p> </p><p>“You know,” she hears herself saying before she can stop the words from tumbling out. “I—aren’t, um—I mean—Romeo and Juliet—they’re going to kiss each other much more—um—<em> deeply </em> than that, right? And I, um, I wouldn’t want my first time kissing someone, um... like <em> that </em> to be in front of everyone, either.”</p><p> </p><p>Now he wears a smug smirk and she regrets ever saying anything.</p><p> </p><p>“So you’re saying you want me to kiss you again?” he asks, a hint of teasing in his voice.</p><p> </p><p>“Shut up,” Rey mutters, her face flushing bright red. “I just — you know, since we’re going to have to do it anyway and I’m obviously going to be bad at it because I have no idea what I’m doing  — I just — I just don’t think there’s any harm in practicing, is all.”</p><p> </p><p>He only smiles wider at this. </p><p> </p><p>“So what you’re saying, though, is you want to kiss me again.”</p><p> </p><p>Rey signs, exasperated. </p><p> </p><p>“Fine, yes, whatever, I want to kiss you again, Solo. Don’t let it go to your head,” she mutters.</p><p> </p><p>“I wouldn’t dream of it,” he murmurs with a glint in his eye as as he leans in close to her again and she doesn’t even have time to be mad at him because all conscious thoughts flee her mind when he is this close to her.</p><p> </p><p>When their lips meet, she doesn’t realize she needs to tilt her head, and ends up smashing her nose into his.</p><p> </p><p>She pulls away slightly, embarrassed. </p><p> </p><p>“Sorry,” she mutters.</p><p> </p><p>“It’s okay,” he says, and his voice is so soft that it sends shivers down her spine. “Do you want to try again?”</p><p> </p><p>She nods and, this time, she remembers to tilt her head. </p><p> </p><p>At first, he lets his lips deliciously linger against hers the way he had the first time they kissed, but then he opens his mouth and she instinctively opens hers too but is perhaps a bit too overzealous, and she ends up clacking her teeth against his.  </p><p> </p><p>“God,” she hisses as she pulls away again. “I’m sorry I’m so bad at this.”</p><p> </p><p>“You’re not bad at it,” Ben reassures her. “But we can keep practicing, if you’d like.”</p><p> </p><p>“We might be practicing for a while then,” she mutters.</p><p> </p><p>“I’ve got time,” he replies and then his lips are on hers again. This time is better — she doesn’t manage to smash their noses or their teeth together this go around. And while she doesn’t have anything to go off of, of course, she thinks he is <em> very </em>good at kissing and suddenly the prospect of having to kiss him on stage isn’t so repulsive to her anymore. </p><p><br/>She feels the tip of his tongue delicately brush against the seam of her mouth and she has to grip the side of the stage to steady herself, a surprised but pleased sort of squeak emerging from the back of her throat as she instinctively parts her lips and allows his tongue to slide through them and  — <em> oh </em> — it is the most perfectly delicious sensation she has ever felt. </p><p> </p><p>She isn’t sure what she should do next, afraid she will do something wrong and fuck it up again. She lets her own tongue find its way into his mouth and she’s immediately certain this was the wrong move and that she probably ruined it, but then she hears the faintest moan echoing through his parted lips as she feels one of his hands running through her hair and the other pulling her in closer by her waist.</p><p> </p><p>She pulls away then suddenly, lips swollen as they both gasp for air. Rey nervously fidgets with her hair as she tries to smooth out her shirt. Ben rams his hands into his pockets and glances around nervously, avoiding eye contact.</p><p> </p><p>“Well, um,” Rey stammers. “At least we got that over with.” </p><p> </p><p>She laughs nervously, still fidgeting with her hair.</p><p> </p><p>“Right,” Ben says quietly. </p><p> </p><p>“I should be going, then,” they both blurt out at the same time.</p><p> </p><p>Another tense silence lingers between them.</p><p> </p><p>“I’ve got, um, homework to do before rehearsal,” Ben says, scooping up his textbook as he walks toward the seat his backpack rests on.</p><p> </p><p>“Er—right, homework, me, too. Me also homework too. I —wait — I — I meant—” </p><p> </p><p><em> I’ve officially lost my mind </em>, she thinks.</p><p> </p><p>“<em> God </em> . Sorry,” she mutters as she slings her backpack on her shoulders, not meeting his eyes. “I’ve got to go, is what I’m trying to say. I’ll see you at rehearsal.” <br/><br/></p><p>“See you at rehearsal,” Ben replies awkwardly before quickly exiting the theater, as if he can’t leave fast enough.</p><p> </p><p>She would be lying if she said she hadn’t thought about kissing him before — <em> really </em> kissing him, not just on-stage as Juliet  — but she never imagined she would like it <em> this much. </em></p><p><br/><em> I am so fucking screwed </em>, she thinks to herself as she pushes open the door.</p>
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<a name="section0008"><h2>8. Chapter 8</h2></a>
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  <b>Therapy Progress Notes </b>
</p><p><b>Date</b>: 2/14/20</p><p><b>Start of Care</b>: 1/24/20</p><p><b>Patient Name</b>: Benjamin Organa Solo</p><p><b>DOB:</b> 2/22/97</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>The patient seemed agitated as soon as he entered the office, and immediately began talking. His speech was pressured and rapid, and involved him repeating “I can’t believe I’m such a [expletive] idiot” over and over again. When I asked him to clarify, he said he was just frustrated with himself for always pushing people away.</p><p> </p><p>He went on to say that his self-destructive urges are stronger than ever, and that he has identified his self-loathing as a trigger for reckless behaviors. He also identified not being able to feel anything at all as a trigger for his reckless behaviors.</p><p> </p><p>This is the first time he has successfully identified triggers, and I pointed out to him that this is a step in the right direction, and we need to work on finding healthier ways to cope with these triggers.</p><p> </p><p>He said he is open to that, if it means it will help him stop pushing people away. He also said he is beginning to realize there are things that can make him feel alive that don’t involve destroying things. I asked him what he meant, but he did not clarify.</p><p> </p>
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<a name="section0009"><h2>9. Chapter 9</h2></a>
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    <p>Ben is sitting in his usual spot on the edge of the stage when Rey arrives on Monday afternoon, except this time, he isn’t so engrossed in his reading that he doesn’t notice her enter the theater. This time, he glances up immediately when she walks in.</p>
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<p>She can feel his eyes on her as she makes her way down the red-carpeted aisle and her eyes dart to the ground. They’ve been very awkward around one another — even more so than usual — ever since their kissing experiment that took place the week before. Which is why it strikes Rey as odd that he’s just sort of...openly staring at her.</p>
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<p>When she reaches the end of the aisle, she finally meets his gaze, exasperated. “Uh...can I help you?” she remarks snidely at his staring.</p>
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<p>Her words seem to snap him out of a reverie.</p>
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<p>“Oh um—” he stammers, “Sorry. I just kind of spaced out for a minute there. I’m very tired lately, what with midterms approaching and all.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Right...” Rey says, eyeing him suspiciously. </p>
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<p>“Anyway,” she starts, sliding her backpack off and retrieving her script before setting the bag on one of the seats, “we’re blocking the balcony scene this week, so do you want to work on that?”</p>
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<p>“Right, the balcony scene. That — that’s perfect actually, because I wanted to ask you for help with my monologue,” he tells her.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Wait, <em> what </em> ?” Rey asks, bewildered. “You want... <em> my </em> help...?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“You’re a much more experienced actor than I am,” he points out.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“How do you even know that?” she asks.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Oh, um...Kanata mentioned it to me,” he explains.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Oh...okay,” Rey says slowly, her features still scrunched up in confusion. “Well, um. Let me find the page,” she adds, eyes nervously looking back to her script as she scans the pages in search of the scene in question. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>And he’s still just sort of...gazing at her.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Do you, uh — are you going to open your script or what?” she inquires sharply.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Oh, right, right,” he clamors. He clears his throat nervously. “My script.” </p>
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<p>He opens his textbook; he was keeping the script between its pages.</p>
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<p>“So, um...” Rey begins. “You um...you really want my help with this?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Yes,” he says simply. “I do.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Well, alright then. I don’t know how much assistance I can actually provide, you might be better off going to Professor Kanata with this one,” Rey remarks.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Ben shakes his head.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“No, I want your help,” he tells her. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Rey eyes him suspiciously again.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“If you say so...” she says, before glancing back down at her script. “So, um. This monologue. At first it seems he’s referring to a light coming on in the window, right? But then he goes on to liken Juliet to the sun and we realize he is referring to <em> her </em> , and how she is lighting the dark night like the morning sun. And I don’t think he’s just referring to the literal night, but rather the dark night of his life being lit up by her suddenly and miraculously and breathtakingly bursting into his life. To him, Juliet <em> is </em> the sun. And then he continues the metaphor, juxtaposing Juliet with the moon, but declaring ‘her maid art far more fair than she’, basically saying, Juliet is more beautiful and radiant than the moon, so much so that the moon literally <em> envies </em>her.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Ben takes a step toward her, and his hand brushes against her cheek.</p>
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<p>A vaguely panicked expression appears on Rey’s face. <em> What is happening? What is he doing? Juliet is literally on a balcony several meters above him in this scene. Has he... forgotten that somehow? </em></p>
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<p>“O, speak again, bright angel,” he murmurs. “As glorious to this night, being o'er my head, as is a winged messenger of heaven.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“That’s—<em> Ben </em>, that line isn’t until much later in the scene,” she chides, entirely flummoxed.</p>
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<p>Rey’s hair is haphazardly affixed in a messy bun with a purple scrunchie, loose tendrils falling about her face. Ben gently brushes one of the wavy chestnut strands behind her ear. </p>
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<p>His voice is a low murmur when he speaks again.</p>
<p><br/>“Being in night, all this is but a dream, too flattering-sweet to be substantial,” she hears him saying, and the gentle, whispered tone with which he speaks sends shivers down her spine.</p>
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  <em> What the ever-loving fuck is going on right now? </em>
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<p>And then, suddenly, she feels his lips press against hers, and the word melts away, and <em> oh </em> how she has longed for him to kiss her again ever since she first tasted his lips a week ago, as much as she tried to deny it even to herself.</p>
<p><br/>Because to be kissed by Ben Solo is a trespass <em> always </em> sweetly urged.</p>
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<a name="section0010"><h2>10. Chapter 10</h2></a>
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  <b>Therapy Progress Notes </b>
</p><p><b>Date</b>: 2/21/20</p><p><b>Start of Care</b>: 1/24/20</p><p><b>Patient Name</b>: Benjamin Organa Solo</p><p><b>DOB:</b> 2/22/97</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>The patient’s mood seems to have improved this week. He appears more stable, less agitated. </p><p> </p><p>When asked why he is in better spirits, he said he has been running lines with his co-star nearly everyday this week, and that it has provided a welcome distraction from his intrusive thoughts.</p><p> </p><p>I pointed out that this is the first time he has mentioned intrusive thoughts. I asked him what the intrusive thoughts are like, and he said they involve thinking that he’s a failure and a burden and deserves to die. They also involve urges to engage in destructive and self-injurious behaviors. </p><p> </p><p>He said he has been experiencing thoughts like this for as long as he can remember, and as such he has been engaging in destructive behaviors since childhood, and that’s what ended up landing him in juvenile detention, which he described as a traumatic, isolating experience that only worsened the intrusive thoughts.</p><p> </p><p>He did say, however, that he brought a calligraphy set to juvenile detention, and he found it soothed him whenever his intrusive thoughts would enter his mind. He immediately began to self-deprecate, which is a behavioral pattern I have noticed frequently in the patient, and said that this probably sounds stupid. But he went onto say that he still has the calligraphy set, and he started using it again this week, and that it was a helpful and effective coping strategy when he was experiencing intrusive thoughts and urges to engage in destructive behavior.</p><p> </p><p>When asked if he thinks being in the play is helping, he said he is starting to believe it is. He said running lines with his co-star has been the most helpful and enjoyable part of the experience, but also the experience of acting in and of itself has been helping improve his quality of life and self-image. He says playing someone who is a good person, someone who Juliet could fall in love with, helps him believe that maybe he, too, could be a good person, and one that is worthy of love. </p><p> </p>
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<hr/><p>“Your monologue is really coming along nicely,” Rey says matter-of-factly as she and Ben walk up the aisle of the theater on Saturday evening.</p><p> </p><p>“I had some help,” Ben replies with a smirk.  </p><p> </p><p>“Ah yes, where would you be without my brilliant insights?” Rey teases.</p><p> </p><p>Ben just smiles at her, and she feels herself blushing.</p><p> </p><p>“Um,” she stammers, averting his gaze, “let me grab my coat.”</p><p> </p><p>She reaches over to the red upholstered seat where she has stashed her black wool peacoat and light pink scarf and gloves. </p><p> </p><p>“Don’t you have a warmer coat?” Rey asks as she fastens her buttons, eyeing Ben’s leather jacket. “It’s like minus 6 degrees out.”</p><p> </p><p>“Oh, I don’t think it’s quite <em> that </em> cold, it’s maybe, like, 20–” Ben starts to say. </p><p> </p><p>“Minus 6 degrees celsius, you <em> idiot </em>,” she snaps as she slides her gloves on to her fingers, but her tone is playful.</p><p> </p><p>“Oh — right — because — because — you’re English—“ </p><p><br/>
Rey rolls her eyes.</p><p> </p><p>“<em> Either way,” </em>she rejoins exasperatedly, “Aren’t you going to be cold?” she asks, her brow scrunching up in concern.</p><p> </p><p>“I’ll be fine, sweetheart,” he says.</p><p> </p><p>She freezes slightly when he says this, taken aback by that word — <em> sweetheart. </em>Her cheeks flush red again. No one has ever showered her with such an endearment, and he said it so casually, like it was nothing.</p><p> </p><p>It is not nothing to her. And she can’t decide if she loves it or she loathes it.</p><p> </p><p>She tugs at the lapels of his jacket.</p><p> </p><p>“If you say so, Solo,” she says as she pushes herself on her tiptoes and gives him a small kiss.</p><p> </p><p>She reaches down to pick up her backpack and slings it onto her shoulder before wrapping her scarf around her neck. They stand there awkwardly for a moment, fidgeting nervously and avoiding eye contact. </p><p> </p><p>“Um—“ Rey eventually blurts out. “Er—shall we, then?”</p><p> </p><p>“Oh, right. I’m—I’m driving you home, aren’t I?” Ben asks, trying to keep his tone nonchalant, but it’s clear that he’s nervous, which Rey finds endlessly endearing.</p><p> </p><p>“Yes, Benjamin, you are,” she reminds him with a smirk. “Where have you parked your car?”</p><p> </p><p>“Since it’s the weekend, I was able to get a spot right out front,” he tells her as they start walking toward the exit together.</p><p> </p><p>“Oh, that’s perfect, then, because it’s late and I think it’s snowing,” Rey replies.</p><p> </p><p>“You don’t like the snow, Rey?” Ben asks, tilting his head slightly. </p><p> </p><p>“I <em> do </em>like it, but I would much rather watch the snow falling from the comfort of your warm car, Ben,” she says, smiling at him again.</p><p> </p><p>“Oh—Right—” He swallows hard. And then he stops short. </p><p> </p><p>“What is it?” Rey asks</p><p> </p><p>His mouth twists into a crooked grin.</p><p> </p><p>“Forgot something,” he says softly. And then he gently reaches out and takes her hand.</p><p> </p><p>“Oh—right—“ Rey manages awkwardly, blushing yet again as she entwines her fingers with his. </p><p> </p><p>***</p><p>The snow that descends from the cloudy night sky is the perfect kind of snow — the light, powdery kind that glimmers under the street lights and lingers on eyelashes and coat sleeves.</p><p> </p><p>Rey is watching the snow fall down with wide eyes and rapt attention, her face lit by the gentle glow of the street lights in the parking lot, her chestnut hair now dusted with delicate snowflakes. </p><p> </p><p>She feels Ben watching her and she gives him a sidelong glance. </p><p> </p><p>“<em> What </em>?” she asks, suddenly embarrassed. “We don’t get snow very often in London—”</p><p> </p><p>“No—I  wasn’t — I mean — you’re just—” he sighs, exasperated. “What I’m trying to say is, the way you react to snow is very cute... just —  just like everything else about you.”</p><p> </p><p>“Oh,” Rey says, her voice suddenly small. “I — um — thank you?” </p><p> </p><p>She’s not used to someone talking to her like this. Or looking at her the way he does, with such intensity and tenderness in his dark eyes. </p><p> </p><p>It overwhelms her.</p><p> </p><p> “Um, well, it’s getting late,” she remarks, dropping her eyes.</p><p> </p><p>“Right, um — my car is over here,” he says, pulling his keys out of his pocket and pressing the button to unlock the door, and she follows behind him, their hands still intertwined.</p><p> </p><p>He walks with her to the passenger’s side of the car and opens the door for her. </p><p> </p><p>“Oh,” Rey says, surprised at the gesture. “Um. Thank you.”</p><p> </p><p>She sits down and sets her backpack at her feet before tugging at her scarf, pulling it off her neck and setting it on her lap. She fidgets with it nervously.</p><p> </p><p>She hears Ben open the driver’s side door to her left. He slides into his seat and closes the door behind him, and then fastens his seatbelt and starts the ignition. </p><p> </p><p>“So, um—” he starts. “Where is, um — where is your dorm, Rey?”</p><p> </p><p>“I’m in Schuyler Hall, on the other side of campus,” she replies. “Do you know how to get there?”</p><p> </p><p>“Oh, yeah,” Ben answers, nodding. “I know exactly where that is, my friend Armie lived there when he was a freshman.” </p><p> </p><p>He starts backing out of the parking lot and Rey continues to fidget nervously with her scarf.</p><p><br/>
They sit in awkward silence for a moment, which is only heightened by how dark and empty the campus is; Briarbrook is a big commuter school, and a lot of kids go home on the weekends, and those who don’t go to the fraternity and sorority parties on the south campus. So north campus is basically a ghost town on Saturday nights. </p><p> </p><p>“Do you um — do you want me to turn the radio on?” Ben asks.</p><p> </p><p>“Oh, um...sure,” Rey replies awkwardly.</p><p> </p><p>He reaches over to the center console and turns the radio on. Billie Eilish’s delicate vocals pour out of the speakers. Rey recognizes the song — “everything i ever wanted.”</p><p> </p><p>The steady driving beat of the song synchronizes with the flash of street lights passing them by as they make their way down the dark campus roads. </p><p> </p><p>She is grateful for the way the music obscures the sound of her labored breathing and her blazing heartbeat, and for the way it softens the awkward silence. </p><p> </p><p>She feels Ben reach over and take her hand. She breathes in sharply. He starts rubbing gentle circles on the back of her hand with his thumb. He glances over at her.</p><p> </p><p>“Are you okay, sweetheart?” he asks gently.</p><p> </p><p>Why does he keep calling her that? Why does he keep <em> looking at her </em> like that?</p><p> </p><p>“Fine,” she says, but her voice still sounds stiff and awkward. “I’m — I’m fine. Don’t um — don’t forget to turn left up here.”</p><p> </p><p>Ben nods and flicks his turn signal on. The <em> tick-tick-tick-tick </em> mimics the beat of Rey’s heart racing in her ears. </p><p> </p><p>They pull into the parking lot of her dorm building. It is dark, save for one street light in the distance, bathing Rey’s face in an orange-ish hue. There’s only one other car in the parking lot, and there are no lights on in her dorm building.</p><p> </p><p>Ben turns the radio down and turns to Rey. He smiles. </p><p> </p><p>“Goodnight, sweetheart,” he says softly. “Text me wh—”</p><p> </p><p>Just then, Rey unbuckles her seatbelt, leans over, takes his face in her hands and presses her lips against his, cutting him off. He seems surprised and briefly forgets how to kiss back, his hands hovering awkwardly in the air until his brain finally catches up with his body and she feels one of his hands on her face and the other drifting to her waist, pulling her closer to him. </p><p> </p><p>They kiss slowly at first, savoring each other. She feels the tip of his tongue brush against her lips and she instinctively  parts them for him. A tiny, desperate moan escapes from the back of her throat as he explores her mouth with his tongue the way he has many times now, and her mind begins to flood with thoughts of all the <em> other </em>things she would like him to do to her with his tongue. </p><p> </p><p>She still feels like she is a clumsy kisser, but she does her best to echo and mirror what he shows her, and it must not be <em> too </em>terrible, because when she lets her tongue glide between his lips, he moans, and it is the most electrifying and delicious sound she has ever heard. She wants to learn all the ways she can  make such intoxicating sounds pour forth from his perfect, full, pink lips. </p><p> </p><p>She slides off her coat in a swift, desperate motion and then pulls off her gloves without breaking the kiss. </p><p> </p><p>They never let their kissing get <em> too </em> out of control in the theater, but all alone in this empty parking lot, things are different. Rey feels like he is <em> devouring </em> her and she never wants him to stop and she’s wet, <em> so </em> wet now, and her cunt is throbbing and she wants — she <em> needs </em>him to touch her.</p><p> </p><p>She withdraws her lips from his and they are both left gasping for air.</p><p> </p><p>“<em> Ben </em>,” Rey breathes his name out like a desperate plea. She doesn’t have the courage to say what she wants out loud. So, instead, she reaches over, gingerly takes his hand and guides it to where she needs him to touch her.</p><p> </p><p>“Rey, wait,” he says, pulling his hand away. His brow furrows in concern, his eyes gentle and adoring. </p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Why does he have to look at me like that? </em>
</p><p> </p><p> “Are — are you sure?” he asks. “I —  I don’t want you to feel pressured into doing anything you’re not comfortable with. We don’t have to do anything other than kiss, if you don’t want to.”</p><p> </p><p>“Ben, <em> please </em> . I’m sure. I just—” her eyes are imploring and needy when she meets his gaze, her lips parted slightly. Her voice is low and hoarse when she speaks again. “I <em> need </em> you to touch me, Ben. <em> Please </em>.”</p><p> </p><p>“Well,” he murmurs, his expression softening. “In that case —” He lets his hand rest gingerly on her thigh. </p><p> </p><p>Rey inhales sharply. </p><p> </p><p>He slowly inches his hand lower, letting his fingers glide between her legs,  before finally pressing up against her center, creating startling and electrifying friction against her jeans. Rey gasps and bites her lip and realizes she has started to cant her hips up against his hand. Her breathing becomes increasingly unsteady.</p><p> </p><p>She can’t take it anymore and begins fussing with the button of her jeans. </p><p> </p><p>“Rey, are you sure?” Ben asks softly.</p><p> </p><p>Rey nods furiously, biting her lower lip. </p><p> </p><p>Ben leans over to kiss her again, and it is a slow, sensuous, intoxicating kiss, like a heady tonic on her lips. She feels his hand sliding downward, lower and lower still, until he brushes his fingertips against the lace fabric of her panties and she whimpers.</p><p> </p><p>“Is this still okay?” she hears him asking her softly, his breath warm against her neck.</p><p> </p><p>Rey nods, and then she feels him slide his hand inside of her panties, letting his fingertips brush along her folds. She whimpers and moans at his delicate touch.</p><p> </p><p>“<em> Rey, </em>  you’re so <em> wet </em>,” he groans into her ear and the strangled rasp of his voice only makes her wetter still, knowing she’s done this to him. </p><p> </p><p>He lets one finger swirl around her entrance and then back up to her clit and Rey begins to writhe, throwing her head back against the headrest of the passenger’s seat.</p><p> </p><p>There’s warmth pooling in her belly and electricity in her veins and she can’t fathom just how <em> good </em> it feels to be touched by him. She’s touched herself in similar ways countless times, but it has never felt anything like <em> this. </em></p><p> </p><p>“Does that feel good, sweetheart?” Ben murmurs into her ear. </p><p> </p><p>She cannot possibly form words right now, but she somehow manages a half-whimpered “mm-hmm.” </p><p> </p><p>“Mmm, <em> good, </em>” Ben croons. “I want to make you feel good, Rey.”</p><p> </p><p>Rey moans again and she is now aching, <em> throbbing </em> with want. She reaches down to guide his fingers towards where she wants them — where she needs them.</p><p> </p><p>He hesitates.</p><p> </p><p>“Are you sure?” he asks her again. </p><p> </p><p>“<em> Please </em>,” is her simple, barely audible, breathless reply.</p><p> </p><p>She is almost embarrassed by how loud the moan that erupts from the back of her throat is when she feels him slide one of his fingers inside of her, and then two. She has thought about his fingers before, she’s thought about how <em> big </em> they are, wondering how it might feel to have them inside her dripping wet cunt. For weeks now, it’s all she’s been able to think about when she touches herself.</p><p> </p><p>And the exquisite, electrifying sensation of his touch, of his fingers gently pressing up into her, is beyond anything she could have ever imagined or anything she could have ever made herself feel. Sometimes she feels like touching herself can grow tedious, exhausting, a desperate bid for release, but <em> being touched </em> is an altogether different experience. The feeling of him thrusting his fingers up into her like this is like a holy ministration and she never wants to stop giving her her sin <em> again and again and again.  </em></p><p> </p><p>She’s so wet she can hear each time his fingers slide in and out of her cunt, and the filthy sound, mingled with the moans escaping from her parted lips, permeates through the car.</p><p> </p><p>“<em> Ben </em>,” she gasps. “Ben, I’m — I — I think I’m going to come.”</p><p> </p><p>Ben moans, his breath hot against her skin. The sound is like a symphony blossoming in her ears, sending shivers across her skin, and it brings her even closer. </p><p> </p><p>She feels him quicken his pace, his thumb swirling against her clit as he continues to fuck her with his fingers and it feels so <em> perfect </em>it’s almost more than she can bear, her voice bleating out in raspy whimpers, and then all at once there is an explosion of white behind her eyes, a loud and indelicate moan pouring forth from her throat as she comes.</p><p> </p><p>He withdraws his fingers but lets them linger for a moment just between her thighs. Her cheeks feel flushed and there are beads of sweat pooling on her forehead. </p><p> </p><p>There is a moment of tense silence as Rey struggles to catch her breath, jolts of electric aftershocks still coursing through her veins. </p><p> </p><p>“Was that okay, Rey? Are you okay?” He asks softly. She knows that he knows it was her first time doing anything like that, and she’s grateful it was with someone so sweet and patient. </p><p> </p><p>But she also <em> hates </em> how sweet and patient and kind and gentle and <em> adoring </em> he is, because —  <em> God </em>— it scares her to death. </p><p> </p><p><em>“Ben, </em>that was — that felt — you — I —” she desperately tries to form words to explain how she’s feeling, and she’s failing miserably. Ben takes pity on her and kisses her lips to cease her foolish yammering, and she’s grateful. </p><p> </p><p>“I like when you touch me,” she breathes into his ear. “I want you to do it more often now.”</p><p> </p><p>He smirks. “That can be arranged.”</p><p> </p><p>She kisses him again, and a wave of exhaustion passes over her, midterms and play rehearsals and “running lines” and what just took place in this car finally catching up to her. </p><p> </p><p>She curses her body for its selfish need to rest, because she knows he must be <em> so </em>hard right now, and she longs to see him, to feel him, to touch him and give him the same satisfaction he gave her. She wants him to show her how to touch him, how to make him feel good. </p><p> </p><p>She sighs forlornly.</p><p> </p><p>“I’m so tired,” she admits. </p><p> </p><p>Ben smiles warmly, brushing his hand against her cheek. </p><p> </p><p>“You should rest, sweetheart. I will text you in the morning,” he tells her.</p><p> </p><p>“But — wait — Ben —” she doesn’t know how to say what she wants to say, and she knows the words will feel foreign and awkward spilling forth from her inexperienced tongue, but she doesn’t care. “I — I wish I wasn’t so tired because I want to touch you, too. Can you at least promise me you’ll think of me when you touch yourself tonight?”</p><p> </p><p>“<em> Fuck </em>, Rey,” he groans. He kisses her again. “Rey, of course I’m going to think of you when I touch myself. You’re all I can think about anymore.”</p><p> </p><p>Rey doesn’t know how to respond to this, so instead she just presses her lips to his, as that is their preferred method of communication these days, anyway.</p><p> </p><p>“Anyway,” she agonizingly breaks their kiss. “Goodnight, Ben.”</p><p> </p><p>He smirks. “A <em> thousand times </em> goodnight.”</p><p> </p><p>Rey rolls her eyes.</p><p> </p><p>“You’re such a fucking <em> nerd </em>, Solo,” she mutters, narrowing her eyes as she shakes her head, smiling. She kisses his lips one final time and parting has never been a sweeter sorrow. </p><p> </p><p>“Goodnight,” she says softly.</p><p> </p><p>“Goodnight, Rey,” he echoes.</p><p> </p><p>They both wear nervous smiles, their gazes affixed on one another, as she slides on her coat and picks up her backpack and then steps out of the car and gingerly closes the door. </p><p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0011"><h2>11. Chapter 11</h2></a>
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</p><p>Ben is waiting for her, perched on the age of the stage as he always is, scribbling notes in his script. Rey lets her backpack and coat fall to the floor in front of the stage before hoisting herself up so she is sitting next to him.</p><p> </p><p>“Hi,” she says softly.</p><p> </p><p>He looks up from his script and smiles at her.</p><p> </p><p>“Hi,” he replies in kind, setting his script on his lap as he lowers his head to meet her lips. </p><p> </p><p>Rey kisses him back forcefully, her tongue sliding into his mouth. She pushes his script off his lap and it falls to the ground with a <em> thwack </em>and then she takes her hands and knots them in his thick raven colored hair.</p><p> </p><p>He breaks the kiss suddenly.</p><p>“<em> Rey </em>, what are you doing?” he asks, his face scrunching up in confusion.</p><p> </p><p>“I thought you said you wanted to <em> practice </em>, Benjamin,” she replies suggestively. There is a glint in her eyes as she raises her eyebrows and begins to assail his neck with kisses, her hands pressed up against his chest.</p><p> </p><p>“<em> Rey </em> ,” he chides, his eyes darting upward as he draws a sharp breath. “ <em> Sweetheart </em>, I actually meant I wanted to rehearse this time.”</p><p>
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</p><p>Rey pulls away from him, her lips twisting into a pitiful pout as she folds her arms across her chest.</p><p>
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</p><p>“<em> Fine,” </em>she mutters, sliding off the stage to pick up his script. He follows suit, chuckling to himself as his leather boots hit the ground with a loud thud.</p><p>
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</p><p>He lifts her chin toward him with his thumb and cups her face in his hand, tucking her hair behind her ear.</p><p>
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</p><p>“We’ll have time for more of... <em> that </em>after we are done rehearsing, I promise,” he tells her, before leaning down and placing a small, tender kiss against her lips.</p><p>
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</p><p>Rey sighs miserably.</p><p>
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</p><p>“If you say so, Benjamin...anyway, what scene did you want to practice?” she asks as she leans down to retrieve her script from her backpack.</p><p>
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</p><p>“Um —” He picks up his script and begins to flip through it. “Act II, Scene II  — the balcony scene, but we can skip the soliloquies — I just wanted to practice our dialogue.”</p><p>
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</p><p>Rey nods as she scans through her own script in search of the page.</p><p>
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</p><p>“Alright, then,” she says once she’s found the page. “Act II, Scene 2 it is. Why don’t we start from  — hmm  — line 111?”</p><p>
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</p><p>Ben nods as his eyes search the page for the corresponding line.</p><p>
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</p><p>When he looks up again, his expression has changed as he shifts into character, although lately Rey has begun to wonder where Romeo ends and Ben begins.</p><p>
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</p><p>“What shall I swear by?” he says fiercely, his dark eyes thick with resolve.</p><p>
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</p><p>Rey — well, <em> Juliet’s </em> — eyes widen.</p><p>
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</p><p>“Do not swear at <em> all </em>,” she admonishes, before pausing, her expression slowly changing, eyes darting upward and brows furrowing in deep thought as Juliet ponders what she is going to say next. </p><p>
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</p><p>“<em> Or </em> ,” she continues. “If thou wilt,” she takes a step toward Ben, her fingertips brushing his cheek. “Swear by thy gracious self—” her eyes dart up and down across every inch of his frame, her hazel eyes wide with longing, “—which is the <em> god </em> of my idolatry —” she adds with an intense flourish. Her eyes dart to his lips, where they linger for a moment. When she speaks again her voice is lower as she tilts her head and leans in even closer to him, “ —and I’ll believe thee.”</p><p>
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</p><p>They pause for a moment, their gazes locked, shoulders rising with the effort of their heavy breathing.</p><p>
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</p><p>“If my heart’s dear love —” Ben starts softly.</p><p>
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</p><p>Rey takes a step back, tilting her head. “Well, do <em> not </em> swear,” she replies in a scolding tone. “Although I <em> joy </em> in thee, I have no joy in this contract tonight, it is  — it is <em> too rash  —” </em> She shakes her head, turning away from him. “ —too <em> unadvised  — </em> too  —” she scoffs, “ —too like the <em> lightning </em>which doth cease to be.”</p><p>
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</p><p>She sighs, her expression softening again as she turns back to him.</p><p>
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</p><p>“Sweet, good night,” she sighs, her voice a melodious dulcet tone, meeting his gaze again. “This bud of love, by summer’s ripening breath, may prove a beauteous flower when next we meet,” the gentlest of smiles crosses her lips as she leans forward and places a delicate kiss upon his lips.  “Good night,” she says softly, leaning into kiss him again. “<em> Good night </em>,” she says once more,  giving him another small kiss.</p><p>
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</p><p>Ben brushes the back of his hand against Rey’s cheek. </p><p>
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</p><p>“O wilt thou leave me so unsatisfied?” he murmurs, his eyes lingering on her lips.</p><p>
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</p><p>“Nay,” she says breathlessly, “thee may have <em> any </em>satisfaction thee wisheth,” she declares as she leans into kiss him again, but Ben pulls back suddenly, perplexed.</p><p><br/>“Rey, um <em>  — </em> that’s not  — your — Juliet’s line is ‘what satisfaction canst thou have tonight?’” Ben says, gesturing towards his script in confusion.</p><p>
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</p><p>“Oh?” Rey says, raising an eyebrow. “Is that so, dear Romeo?” She bites her lip and glances up at him teasingly. “And how shalt thee punisheth me for such a transgression?”</p><p>
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</p><p><em>“Rey</em> —” he stammers, bewildered.</p><p>
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</p><p>“You know —” she starts, letting her hands rest against his chest, “ —it’s after 10 pm, and I doubt there is anyone left in the building —” she continues, not breaking eye contact as she lets one of her hands trail lower until it brushes against where his cock is straining against the black denim of his jeans.</p><p>
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</p><p>Ben gasps. “<em> Rey </em>—” he manages through gritted teeth.</p><p>
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</p><p>Rey frowns. “Do you want me to stop?”</p><p>
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</p><p>“No, I didn’t  — I didn’t mean  — it feels so good when you touch me  — you have no idea  — but  — Rey  — you don’t  — you don’t have to —” he stammers, his cheeks and ears flushing pink.</p><p>
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</p><p>“But Ben, I <em>want </em>to. I <em>need </em>to,”  she clamors. “Can I —” she implores, eyes wide as she looks up at him, as her fingertips brush against the buckle of his belt. </p><p>
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</p><p>“You’re —” he swallows, drawing in a shaky breath. “You’re going to kill me, Rey,” he informs her.</p><p>
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</p><p>She hesitates slightly, pausing to glance up at him, unsure what he means.  </p><p>
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</p><p>“<em> Rey </em>...” he groans desperately. “Please don’t stop,” he murmurs under his breath. </p><p>
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</p><p>Rey bites her lips nervously as she undoes his belt and tugs his jeans down, letting them fall to the floor, leaving him in just his black boxers. </p><p>
  <strong>  </strong>
</p><p>She swallows hard as she looks up at him.</p><p><br/>“Ben, I...” she pauses, nervous. “I’ve never  — what I mean is  —'' she sighs, exasperated. “I  — fuck —” she buries her face in her hands, embarrassed. “I have no idea what I’m doing.”</p><p>
  <strong>  </strong>
</p><p>Ben’s voice is warm and reassuring when he speaks.</p><p>
  <strong>  </strong>
</p><p>“It’s okay, sweetheart,” he says softly, gingerly titling her face upward to meet his gaze. “You don’t have to do anything you aren’t comfortable with.”</p><p>
  <strong>  </strong>
</p><p>She shakes her head.</p><p>
  <strong>  </strong>
</p><p>“No, it’s not that I’m uncomfortable, Ben<em>, </em>I just —” her eyes widen as her expression becomes almost pained with desire. She slowly reaches down, letting her hand slide into his underwear as she grasps him in her hand and — <em> oh</em> — he is so big, even bigger than she had imagined. This maneuver elicits a low, desperate moan from Ben’s lips. </p><p>
  <strong>  </strong>
</p><p>“I just —” she continues. “I need you to show me what to do,” she admits. “<em>Please</em>, Ben,” she adds urgently.</p><p>
  <strong>  </strong>
</p><p>“<em> Rey </em> ,” he rasps. “I  —” he sighs. “Can I take you to my bed, Rey? I’d rather  — I don’t want you to do this... <em> here </em>,” he says finally. </p><p>
  <strong>  </strong>
</p><p>“But <em> Ben </em> , I  —” she sputters. And he’s looking at her like <em> that </em> again, so tender and adoring, and the intensity of his gaze overwhelms her. She’s realizing he wants more from this than she does — but it’s not that she doesn’t feel the same way. She wants nothing more to be in his bed, in his gentle and affectionate arms, to drown in his touch and his reverent, worshipful gaze. </p><p>
  <strong>  </strong>
</p><p>That’s what scares her.</p><p>
  <strong>  </strong>
</p><p>“Actually,” she says, averting her eyes and pulling her hand back, “I — I think I should go.”</p><p>
  <strong>  </strong>
</p><p>“Rey, wait  — I  —” he stammers. “I’m sorry  — I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable, I just  — I don’t want to just fool around with you in my car late at night or in an empty theater, I want  — I want to do this properly —”</p><p>
  <strong>  </strong>
</p><p>She feels tears pooling in her eyes.</p><p>
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</p><p>“I know,” she says softly. “That’s the problem.”</p><p>
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</p><p>Without looking up at him, she scrambles to pick up her coat and backpack.</p><p>
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</p><p>“Sweetheart, wait —” he clamors as he awkwardly fumbles to pull up his pants and refasten his belt.</p><p>
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</p><p>“I have to go, Ben,” she tells him, her voice small and quiet.</p><p>
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</p><p>She hears him calling after her when she leaves the theater but she doesn’t look back.</p><hr/><p>
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<a name="section0012"><h2>12. Chapter 12</h2></a>
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  <b>Therapy Progress Notes </b>
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<p><b>Date</b>: 2/28/20</p>
<p><b>Start of Care</b>: 1/24/20</p>
<p><b>Patient Name</b>: Benjamin Organa Solo</p>
<p><b>DOB:</b> 2/22/97</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>The patient was visibly sad and withdrawn when he entered my office today. As usual, he was not forthcoming with his feelings. When asked if he was experiencing intrusive thoughts or urges to engage in self-destructive behavior, the patient reported that he wasn’t. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>I pointed out that it is a sign of progress that his low mood did not trigger self-destructive urges or intrusive thoughts. He simply shrugged and said “I guess” in response.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>About halfway through the session, he started to vaguely describe what was causing his depressive mood. He said he has spent his whole life thinking he didn’t deserve love and he couldn’t imagine a greater pain than that, but learning that someone he cares about thinks she doesn’t deserve love hurts him even more. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>After he said this, he muttered an expletive under his breath and suddenly said, “I do love her, don’t I?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I asked “love who?” but he didn’t answer. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Instead, he said: “I just wish this meant the same to her as it does to me. It breaks my heart, but it would break my heart more to leave.” </p>
<p> </p>
<p>I asked him to explain what he was talking about, but he just shook his head and exited my office, ending the session early. </p>
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  </div></div>
<a name="section0013"><h2>13. Chapter 13</h2></a>
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<p>Professor Kanata is on the stage with Ben and Rey, having just asked them to stop their scene for the third time. </p>
<p>Rey is standing on Juliet’s balcony, with Ben beneath it.</p>
<p>“Is everything...alright with you two?” Maz asks.</p>
<p>“Everything’s fine,” Ben insists.</p>
<p>“We’re great,” Rey assures her with an over-the-top grin.</p>
<p>“Never better,” Ben echoes.</p>
<p>“Really?” Maz asks, folding her arms. “Because I don’t believe you.”</p>
<p>And she’s right, of course. Everything <em> isn’t </em> alright with them. Things had been going so well, <em> too </em> well, and it was too much for Rey, so she let the fear get the best of her and she started to push him away. But the worst part is, he seems to be <em> staying </em>away now. And she doesn’t blame him for doing so; she knows he wants more from their relationship than she does. She can tell from the way he looks at her. Even now, she can feel his eyes on her. Whenever she speaks, he watches with rapt attention. Whenever she looks sad or frustrated or tired, his brow furrows in concern. </p>
<p>What he doesn’t know is she feels as strongly for him as he does for her, and that’s precisely why she’s trying to keep her distance emotionally. She can’t let herself fall, she can’t let her feelings get the best of her because she knows, she’s <em> always </em>known, that these violent delights have violent ends. </p>
<p>And then every afternoon, she has to play Juliet to his Romeo, to say all the things her heart longs to tell him but her mind won’t let her, so of course she seems off in rehearsals. Acting demands vulnerability, but she can’t even be vulnerable with herself. And so her performances have been stiff and awkward. But she knows she can’t keep this up forever; Juliet has to look Romeo in the eyes, even if Rey can’t bring herself to look Ben in the eyes right now. </p>
<p>“I’ve just been stressed — the middle of the semester is always hectic, and I haven’t been getting much sleep,” Rey tries to explain.</p>
<p>Maz eyes her suspiciously. </p>
<p>“Well, whatever it is, please try to sort it out, because it’s impacting your performance,” she tells her. </p>
<p>“Right,” Rey replies. “Of course.”</p>
<p>“Anyway,” Maz says, “Can you start back at ‘what satisfaction canst thou have tonight’?”</p>
<p>Rey nods. They’re off-book for this scene now — they’re off-book for almost the whole play, and maybe that’s why Ben hasn’t been meeting with her to practice lines. And apparently he doesn’t want to “<em> practice” </em> anything else with her anymore, either.</p>
<p>But the worst part of being off-book is she can’t bury her eyes in her script in an effort to ignore his loving gaze.</p>
<p>She tries to put all of this out of her mind. <em> You are Juliet Capulet on a balcony in warm summer night air. Your beloved has risked his life to come declare his love for you, and you are willing and eager to profess your love in turn, </em>she tells herself.</p>
<p>She clears her throat.</p>
<p>A quizzical yet teasing expression crosses her face. </p>
<p>“And what satisfaction canst thou have tonight?” she asks, tilting her head, with a slight mischievous glint in her hazel eyes.</p>
<p>And there he is again, gazing at her like <em> that. </em> But then, that’s Romeo gazing at Juliet, she reminds herself. <em> Stop getting so in your head and play your bloody part, Rey </em>, she thinks to herself.</p>
<p>Ben — Romeo — smiles and she feels warmth pooling in her chest. There’s a part of her that wants him to smile at her like that forever. A part of her she is trying desperately to ignore. </p>
<p>“Th’ exchange of thy love’s faithful vow for mine,” Ben says fiercely. </p>
<p>The last few times they tried to run this scene Rey stared down at her hands to avoid meeting Ben’s gaze. She lets herself look up at him this time. </p>
<p>“I gave thee mine before thou didst request it,” she says softly, and as these words fall from her lips with Ben’s revenant gaze fixed upon her, she feels an ache in her chest and tears prickling at her eyes. “And yet...I would it were to give again,” she adds, and there’s something bittersweet in the way she delivers the line, so softly, hazel eyes wide and echoing the same adoration in Ben’s dark eyes, his <em> beautiful </em>, devastating dark eyes. </p>
<p>“Wouldst thou withdraw it?” Ben replies. And she registers the tiniest change in his expression, something heavy in his eyes mirroring the longing in her own. “For what purpose, love?”</p>
<p>Rey smiles bashfully. </p>
<p>“But to be frank and give it thee again. And yet —” she pauses, her tone becoming more serious, more measured. “And yet I wish but for the thing I have. My bounty is as <em> boundless </em> as the sea, my love as <em> deep </em> , the more I give to thee, the more I have—” her voice cracks, and she can’t hide the tears that are starting to pour down her cheeks, “—for both—,” she inhales deeply, “for both are... <em> infinite,” </em>she adds breathlessly.</p>
<p>She hears Maz starting to clap.</p>
<p>“Oh, Rey, that was so much better,” she tells her. “It’s a very different interpretation of the scene than I’ve seen you do before, but it’s so much more powerful and vulnerable. Well done.”</p>
<p>“Right,” Rey chokes out. “Thank you, Professor. May I —” she’s trying desperately to compose herself. “May I please be excused now? I’m, er — I’m not feeling well, is all.” </p>
<p>“Oh, are you okay, Rey?” Maz asks with concern in her voice.</p>
<p>“Oh, I’m fine, just, um, just ate something that didn’t agree with me— “ Rey clamors, and then she rushes down the stairs from the balcony, off the stage, and out of the theater as fast as she can.</p>
<p> </p>
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  <strong>Therapy Progress Notes </strong>
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<p><strong>Date</strong>: 3/6/20</p>
<p><strong>Start of Care</strong>: 1/24/20</p>
<p><strong>Patient Name</strong>: Benjamin Organa Solo</p>
<p><strong>DOB</strong>: 2/22/97</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The patient was uncharacteristically forthright in sharing his feelings this week. He started talking as soon as he sat down. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>He said: “I haven’t seen her all week — well, except for rehearsals, but that’s not the same. I told her it’s because we’re off-book and don’t need to do extra practice anymore, but that was a lie.” </p>
<p> </p>
<p>I asked to whom he was referring and he said “Rey, of course.” I then asked who Rey is and he said she is his co-star in “Romeo and Juliet.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I asked if he had been seeing her outside of rehearsals before, and he said he has been falling in love with her, but she doesn’t feel the same way about him, and he’s been avoiding seeing her as a result. The patient became tearful as he shared this. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>He went on to say that he just misses her so much, and he doesn’t know what to do anymore. He said she makes him believe he can be a better person, but every time he tries to get close to her, she pushes him away. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>He said “Maybe Dr. Snoke was right” and I asked him who Dr. Snoke is. He said Dr. Snoke was his psychiatrist at the therapeutic boarding school for troubled teens he was sent to after he was released from juvenile detention. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>I pointed out that this is the first time he has mentioned the therapeutic boarding school and he replied that there was “nothing therapeutic about that place” and that he didn’t want to talk about it anymore.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The last thing the patient said was “I just miss her” and then the patient sat in silence for the remaining 10 minutes of our session.</p>
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<a name="section0014"><h2>14. Chapter 14</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Ben is waiting for her in the theater. This time he is sitting in one of the seats in the back row. She takes a seat beside him.</p><p> </p><p>“Hi,” she says, hesitantly turning to meet his eyes.</p><p> </p><p>His whole face lights up when he sees her, the softest of smiles peeking across his face, and he’s gazing at her with that same fervent, adoring intensity that scares her to death.</p><p><br/>
So it wasn’t just Romeo looking at Juliet like that after all.</p><p> </p><p>“It’s good to see you, Rey,” he says softly.</p><p> </p><p>She leans over and kisses his lips. It is quick and delicate and tentative, as if she’s testing the waters. She glances up at him nervously. </p><p> </p><p>“I haven’t changed my mind, you know,” she admits, eyes darting to the floor. “I’m still — I’m still too scared to let this be anything serious. But it’s not because I don’t care about you, Ben, because I <em> do </em>, I need you to know that. I just—” she sighs, exasperated.  “I just can’t—” </p><p> </p><p>“What are you so afraid of, Rey?” Ben asks, his voice kind and gentle as he gingerly strokes her hair, brows pushing together in concern.</p><p> </p><p>And all the feelings she’s so terrified of are sitting heavy on her chest, threatening to suffocate her as she feels tears beginning to pool in her eyes. There’s so much he doesn’t know about her. So much she’s afraid to tell him. </p><p> </p><p>“I wouldn’t even know where to begin,” she says finally, and her voice is so quiet she wonders if he even heard her.</p><p> </p><p>She feels him take her hand in his, offering a reassuring squeeze, and she feels a little less unsteady. </p><p> </p><p>“I just,” she sighs. “I just need time.”</p><p> </p><p>She glances up at him apprehensively. </p><p> </p><p>But he just smiles at her, and it’s the softest and gentlest of smiles, and his eyes are soft and reassuring. </p><p> </p><p>“I can be patient,” he tells her. </p><p> </p><p>Rey sniffles. She hadn’t realized she was crying.</p><p> </p><p>“I know,” she says softly. </p><p> </p><p>Her eyes search his face and finally land on his lips, those lips she has missed so desperately. </p><p> </p><p>“Can I kiss you now, Ben?” she asks, a smile tugging at her lips despite the uncertainty in her voice. </p><p> </p><p>“You can always kiss me, Rey,” he tells her as he leans in closer.</p><p> </p><p>“Mmm, good to know,” she replies with a small smirk just before their lips finally meet and <em> oh </em> it is everything, everything she has missed, everything she has been needing. She lets her fingers card through his soft, dark hair as he murmurs her name into the kiss, and she starts to think that maybe, just maybe, these violent delights are worth it despite their inevitable violent end. </p>
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<hr/><p>Rey practically runs from the engineering building to the theater when her class gets out. She can’t believe Ben had the audacity to post <em> that </em> picture when she was in the middle of lecture. How was she supposed to focus on chemistry when she has an entirely <em> different </em> sort of chemistry on her mind?</p><p> </p><p>She opens the theater doors and he doesn’t look up, which doesn’t surprise her anymore; when he gets really engrossed in studying, he becomes oblivious to the world around him. He’s sitting on the edge of the stage the way he always is when he is waiting for her, and he doesn’t even seem to register her presence when she hoists herself onto the stage next to him. </p><p> </p><p>She’s not in a particularly patient mood, so she proceeds to push his textbook off of his lap, hitch one of her legs around him, and position himself on his lap. He swallows hard, and his hands are sort of floating awkwardly beside him.</p><p> </p><p>Ben is completely flummoxed by this unexpected maneuver, and his face flushes bright red, which Rey finds extremely adorable</p><p> </p><p>“Hi—” he barely manages to choke out. </p><p> </p><p>Rey is wearing a smug grin, and there’s a glint in her eyes, clearly entirely too proud of herself for what she has done to him.</p><p> </p><p>“Good afternoon, Benjamin,” she says, cupping his face in her hands and kissing his lips.</p><p> </p><p>He finally manages to let his hands rest on either side of her waist.</p><p> </p><p>“<em> Well </em>, good afternoon to you too, Rey,” he mutters, a smile tugging at his lips.</p><p> </p><p>“I can’t believe you had the <em> audacity </em> to post that picture when I was in the middle of class,” she chides, shaking her head. </p><p> </p><p>“What do you mean?” Ben asks, confused.</p><p> </p><p>Rey rolls her eyes.</p><p><br/>
“Don’t act like you didn’t know <em> exactly </em> what you were doing posting that, <em> Solo </em>,” she snaps playfully, still smirking.</p><p> </p><p>“I’m still confused,” he replies, and judging from the bewildered look on his face, she realizes he’s being genuine. </p><p> </p><p><em> Stupid boy </em>, she thinks to herself. </p><p> </p><p>She sighs, before leaning in so her lips brush against his ear, her voice low and husky.</p><p> </p><p>“Well, then, since you’re being so obtuse, perhaps I could <em> show </em>you what I mean instead,” she murmurs as she presses herself against where she feels him growing hard beneath her, trailing kisses down his neck.</p><p> </p><p>He gasps.</p><p> </p><p>“I didn’t realize—” he stammers, swallowing hard as his eyes dart to the ceiling, struggling to form words when Rey is on his lap, raining suckling kisses on his neck while she grinds herself against him, “—I didn’t —realize — you liked the picture — <em> this </em> much.”</p><p> </p><p>She sits up and looks him in the eyes.</p><p> </p><p>“Oh, I liked it <em> very </em> much,” she informs him as she grasps where his cock is straining against his jeans. </p><p> </p><p>“<em> Fuck </em>, Rey,” he mutters through gritted teeth.</p><p> </p><p>Rey frowns.</p><p> </p><p>“Do you want me to stop?” she asks. </p><p> </p><p>“No, that’s not—” he murmurs, placing a kiss on her jaw as he pulls her in closer to him. “That’s not what I meant. I just — what if — what if someone walks in?”</p><p> </p><p>“Please, no one ever comes to the theater at this time, why would they start now?” Rey points out. </p><p> </p><p>He looks like he’s about to say something, his lips parting briefly, but then he stops himself. And she knows he was going to ask if he could take her to his bed again, but he thought better of it this time. There is a tense silence for a moment, as they both seem to recall what happened the last time something like this almost happened in the theater.</p><p> </p><p>But then his expression softens and he smiles.</p><p> </p><p>“You’re right, sweetheart,” he murmurs as he leans in close to her again, titling his head slightly before gently pressing his lips against hers as he holds her face in his hands. She smiles into the kiss, her fingertips caresses his cheeks. She moans when she feels him licking into her mouth and she presses herself up against his erection beneath her, a low moan pouring forth from his lips in response. </p><p> </p><p>Her fingertips glide down past his cheeks, down the column of his neck, and onto his chest as she continues to cant her hips against him, their breathing quickening with each hungry open-mouthed kiss. </p><p> </p><p>Just then, Rey slides off the stage so she’s standing just in front of him, running her hands up and down his thighs. She looks up at him as she bites her lip, one of her hands slowly trailing to the button on his jeans.</p><p> </p><p>“Sweetheart, what are you doing?” he asks.</p><p> </p><p>She grins.</p><p> </p><p>“Picking up where we left off the last time,” she informs him, not breaking eye contact as she undoes the button on his pants and begins to pull down the zipper.</p><p> </p><p>“Are you sure you want to —” he starts.</p><p> </p><p>“Yes,” Rey says fiercely, cutting him off. “I want to touch you, Ben. <em>Please.</em>” She looks up at him with wide, hungry, needy, <em>desperate </em>eyes. “Don’t you want that, Ben? Don’t you want me to touch you?”</p><p> </p><p>He swears under his breath.</p><p> </p><p>“You are going to be the death of me, Rey Johnson,” he tells her.</p><p> </p><p>“You didn’t answer my question, Solo,” she counters.</p><p> </p><p>He reaches forward and strokes her cheek. </p><p> </p><p>“Of course I want that, sweetheart,” he murmurs. “You have...<em> no idea </em> how badly I want that.”</p><p> </p><p>Rey is dazed for a moment, her mind briefly short-circuiting at the sound of his voice so low and gentle in her ears like smooth silk, sending shivers down her spine.</p><p> </p><p>Once her brain starts working again, she tugs his jeans and then pulls his underwear down just past his hips and she gasps when she sees him. She briefly wonders how he will even fit, but that is a problem for another day, she reasons. Right now she has other plans. </p><p> </p><p>She feels the heat of Ben’s gaze on her as she hesitantly reaches forward and then slowly, delicately, wraps her hand around his long, thick cock, flushed pink and already leaking. He moans at her touch, her name escaping his lips in a low, desperate rasp. </p><p> </p><p>Her hands are shaking slightly as she delicately, hesitantly strokes his shaft. Ben gasps and swears, before groaning deeply, and she takes that as encouragement to continue her apprehensive ministrations. </p><p> </p><p>“D—does that feel good, Ben?” she manages, cursing herself for being so awkward and inexperienced. </p><p> </p><p>His eyes are closed and his lips are parted as his breath comes in ragged, staccato bursts. </p><p> </p><p>“That’s — perfect —” he manages breathlessly.</p><p> </p><p>“I feel like I don’t know what I’m doing,” she admits. “I just want to make you feel good, Ben. I hope —” she bites her lip as she quickens her pace, “I hope I’m making you feel good.”</p><p> </p><p>“Of course it feels good, sweetheart. It feels good because it’s <em> you </em>,” he tells her, his voice soft and adoring as he opens his eyes to meet hers, and their gaze remains locked for a moment before Rey gingerly lifts takes his hand and guides it toward his cock.</p><p> </p><p>“Can you — can you show me, Ben?” she asks. “Can you show me how you like it?”</p><p> </p><p>His mouth twitches into a crooked, boyish smile, and then he does as she asks. </p><p> </p><p>He shows her.</p><p> </p><p>She watches in awe at the way his large hand strokes his even larger cock, and the way he moans makes her ache with want, making her wetter and wetter with each passing second. She takes note of the more vigorous yet measured rhythm he likes, and she hesitantly places her hand on top of his so their fists are stacked against each other, causing Ben to draw in a sharp breath. </p><p> </p><p>“<em> Rey </em> ,” he moans. “ <em> Fuck— </em>it feels—so good— when you touch me like that, sweetheart—when you wrap your pretty little hand around my cock—”</p><p> </p><p>“Ben—” Rey manages as she slowly begins to stroke him, trying to meet his rhythm, keeping her eyes glued to his, “What — what do you think about when you touch yourself?”</p><p> </p><p>He bites his lip briefly, concentrating on stroking himself and guiding her hand along, but then a smile peels across his lips. </p><p> </p><p>“I think about you, Rey. Always you. Only you,” he tells her.</p><p> </p><p>Rey feels her face flushing hot as he says this, her lips twisting into a bashful smile.</p><p> </p><p>“T—tell me what you think about, Ben,” she implores breathlessly. </p><p> </p><p>He groans, his eyes fluttering shut briefly.</p><p> </p><p>“I think about—” he stammers between shaking breaths, “—I think about that night in my car, when you let me touch you,” he starts, and Rey moans as she continues to aid him in his strokes.</p><p> </p><p>“I think about how wet you were for me,” he continues, and he’s looking down at her now, an intensity in his gaze. “I think about the way you whimpered and moaned when I put my fingers inside of you, I think about how beautiful you looked when you came for me, and then—”</p><p> </p><p> “And then <em> what </em>, Ben?” Rey asks, increasing the pace of her strokes, intense resolve in her eyes.</p><p> </p><p>“I —” he swallows, “I think you’ve uh—got the hang of that now, sweetheart,” he says as he releases his hand from his cock, and Rey continues with the pace and rhythm he had shown her.</p><p> </p><p>“<em> And then what, Ben </em>?” she demands, her voice a desperate plea. </p><p> </p><p>“I think about,” his head bobs backwards as he moans again. “I think about how you <em> tasted.” </em></p><p> </p><p>Rey gasps and whimpers at this revelation.</p><p> </p><p>“Rey, I — after you left the car, I put my fingers in my mouth, the fingers I had touched you with, I put them in my mouth so I could taste you and —<em> fuck </em> — you had gushed all over my fingers, Rey, and you tasted <em> so fucking good </em>, I licked up every drop.”</p><p> </p><p>“<em> Fuck </em>, Ben,” Rey gasps as she starts pumping him harder. </p><p> </p><p>“<em> Rey </em> —that’s — so—that—feels—” he sputters. “ <em> Fuck </em>, you have no idea how perfect it feels to have your hands on my cock like that, to have you stroke me like that, to —” he groans again, and her name escapes his lips in a hoarse rasp. “I’m—I’m so close,” he manages breathlessly.</p><p> </p><p>Rey bites her lip, her brow furrowing.</p><p> </p><p>“You know, Ben,” she starts, eyes darting to the ceiling as she tries to find the courage to say what she wants, “In order to avoid — um — a mess, it might, um — it might just be more <em> practical </em>if you come in my mouth.”</p><p> </p><p><em> Really? Practical? </em> She thinks to herself. <em> That’s the best you could do, Rey? </em></p><p> </p><p>But Ben doesn’t seem to mind her awkward, fumbling words.</p><p> </p><p>“<em> Fuck </em> ,” he manages breathlessly. “That is—” he moans so deeply then that it makes Rey’s cunt throb. “That is — you’re right — a —very — good — a — <em> practical </em>— idea —”</p><p> </p><p>He’s about as effective with words right now as she is, it seems. </p><p> </p><p>But that is all the encouragement she needs to lean forward and guide him into her mouth, triggering a desperate, strangled sound to spill forth from Ben’s lips. </p><p> </p><p>“<em> Rey </em>,” he says her name like a desperate prayer, like it’s the most holy utterance his lips have ever known.</p><p> </p><p>She wants to make him come, but then she realizes, once again, that she has no idea what she’s doing. </p><p><br/>
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</p><p>But it only takes one hesitant suck and a swirl of her tongue for her to feel his cock throb, and she hears him moaning her name again just before she feels him coming in her mouth. Her eyes widen in surprise at first from the shock of the unfamiliar sensation, but then she closes them as she moans because —<em> oh </em>— it feels nothing short of exquisite to have his hot come dripping down her throat.</p><p> </p><p>She withdraws her mouth from his cock and she licks her lips, looking up at him, and there’s the slightest smug glint in her hazel eyes. </p><p> </p><p>She pulls herself back up onto the stage and onto his lap.</p><p> </p><p>“Did I—Did I make you feel good, Ben?” she asks timidly.</p><p> </p><p>He buries his face in her neck.</p><p> </p><p>“Rey, that was —” He kisses her shoulder. “You are — you —” He sighs deeply as he struggles to form words, and she can feel him trembling with aftershocks. “Yes, you did. You made me feel <em> so good </em>, sweetheart.”</p><p> </p><p>“Mmm, good,” Rey says with a contented hum. </p><p> </p><p>“Was that okay for you? Are you okay?” he asks.</p><p> </p><p>“Yes, I — I love touching you, I loved feeling you in my mouth, loved <em> tasting </em>you,” she croons.</p><p> </p><p>“<em> Fuck </em>,” he manages breathlessly. </p><p> </p><p>He sits up and kisses her forehead, her temples, her cheeks, the tip of her nose, and finally, her lips.</p><p> </p><p>“Can I make you feel good, too, sweetheart?” he murmurs as he begins to trail kisses down her neck.</p><p> </p><p>Rey whimpers as she nods.</p><p> </p><p>“<em> Please </em>, Ben—” </p><p> </p><p>And that’s when they hear someone starting to open one of the doors to the theater. </p><p> </p><p>They both freeze for a fraction of a second before leaping into action; Rey immediately slides off his lap and onto the floor and Ben follows closely behind, hastening to pull up his pants. </p><p> </p><p>Thankfully, they are both decent by the time Finn walks in. </p><p> </p><p>“Oh...hi guys,” Finn says. “Everything okay?” </p><p> </p><p>His eyes dart back and forth between the two of them, and there’s a quizzical look on his face as he takes in their panicked expressions. </p><p> </p><p>“You look like you’ve seen a ghost or something,” he jokes.</p><p> </p><p>Rey and Ben laugh nervously.</p><p> </p><p>“I just came to get a book I left in here yesterday. What are you guys doing here so early, anyway?” Finn asks. </p><p> </p><p>“Uh—” Rey stammers.</p><p> </p><p>“We were, um—” Ben chimes in.</p><p> </p><p>“Rehearsing!” Rey blurts out. “We were rehearsing.”</p><p> </p><p>“Right! Rehearsing,” Ben rejoins. </p><p> </p><p>“You guys are acting <em> really </em> weird...” Finn says, his face scrunching up in confusion.</p><p> </p><p>“We were um—we actually just finished—” Ben tells him. </p><p><br/>
“Well, <em> one </em>of us did—” Rey mutters under her breath.</p><p> </p><p>“What was that?” Finn asks.</p><p> </p><p>“Nothing!” Ben and Rey blurt out at the same time.</p><p> </p><p>“Anyway — we really — we should really be going now,” Rey clamors as she picks up her bookbag and slings it onto her shoulder.</p><p> </p><p>“Right,” Ben adds, scooping up the textbook that Rey had pushed to the floor.</p><p> </p><p>“We’ll uh—we’ll see you at rehearsal in a little while, Finn,” Rey says.</p><p> </p><p>And then they bolt up the aisles and out of the theater as fast as they possibly can. </p>
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<a name="section0015"><h2>15. Chapter 15</h2></a>
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<p>(This text should say March 10, 2020)</p>
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<p><b>Date</b>: 3/13/20</p>
<p><b>Start of Care</b>: 1/24/20</p>
<p><b>Patient Name</b>: Benjamin Organa Solo</p>
<p><b>DOB:</b> 2/22/97</p>
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<p>The patient seemed in better spirits this week. He said things have improved with his co-star, whom he says he reached out to and they have started to see each other again.</p>
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<p>He said she is starting to open up to him very slowly, and the things she says break his heart. She said she is too scared to start any kind of serious relationship and he told her he can be patient. She also told him she’s “not used” to people caring about her, and he hasn’t been able to stop thinking about that.</p>
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<p>The patient said he wishes he could tell her that he loves her, but he knows that he will scare her away again, but at the same time, he wants her to know just how loved she really is. </p>
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<p>He said she wishes he knew what she’s done to him, how she’s made him see himself through new eyes, so much so that he said even if things don’t ultimately work out between them he thinks he won’t ever hurt himself again.</p>
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<p>He kept repeating “she said she cared about me, I can’t believe she said she cared about me.” He explained that she initially asked that she wanted things to be completely casual between them, insisting that what they shared didn’t mean anything to her and even asking him not to “catch feelings”, and he said while he understands now why she said this and that she didn’t really mean it, hearing her say she cares about him was a shock. </p>
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<p>“I just can’t believe someone like her cares about someone like me,” he said, and he said he also fears she wouldn’t care about him anymore if she really knew him and everything he’d done and been through, but then again, he also wants her to know she’s not alone in her feeling that no one has ever cared about her. It’s a feeling he said he is all too familiar with, and he hates that someone he loves so much has ever felt the kind of pain he has battled his whole life.</p>
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<p>But he said she’s making him start to believe he doesn’t always have to be alone, and that he’s actually capable of feeling happiness, because the happiness he feels when he sees her smile is like nothing he has ever felt in his life, and he wishes he could spend forever just making her smile her “beautiful, heart-stopping” smile. </p>
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<p><b>From</b> : Benjamin Solo &lt; <span class="u"> bsolo@briarbrook.edu </span>&gt; </p>
<p><b>Sent</b>: March 14, 2020 10:23 AM</p>
<p><b>To</b> : Senator Leia Organa &lt; <span class="u"> organa@uscongress.gov </span>&gt; </p>
<p><b>Subject</b>: URGENT: A message from Senator Organa’s son</p>
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<p>Dear person who reads Senator Organa’s emails (because I am assuming it isn’t actually her):</p>
<p><br/>This is Senator Oranaga’s son, Benjamin Solo. I don’t know any other way to get in touch with her.  We haven’t spoken in a very long time. But I would like her to call me. If you can please have Senator Organa call me, my number is 348-555-8439. </p>
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<p>Thank you for your assistance in this matter,</p>
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  <b>Benjamin Solo</b>
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<p>Briarbrook College ‘20</p>
<p>Computer Engineering Major</p>
<p>bsolo@briarbrook.edu</p>
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<p><b>Date</b>: 3/16/20</p>
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<p><b>Patient Name</b>: Rey Johnson </p>
<p><b>DOB:</b> 10/25/00</p>
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<p>Upon entering my office, without so much as a “hello” or an introduction, the patient collapsed onto the couch and declared, “Hi, so, I think I’m in love and it scares the [expletive] out of me.” She then paused and said, “Oh, I’m Rey, by the way.”</p>
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<p>I asked the patient to clarify what she said, and she explained that she’s spent her whole life keeping all of her feelings bottled up but now that she’s started talking about them, it’s like they’re all spewing out at once.</p>
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<p>When asked why she decided to seek therapy, the patient said she is struggling to adjust to college life and living in a new country, but most of all because she has realized she has good people in her life now for the first time and she doesn’t want to push them away.</p>
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<p>She spoke fondly of her two best friends, Kaydel and Rose, and said they are supportive and encouraging, and I pointed out that a good support system is important, and it sounds like she has that in these friends. The patient said she agrees, and that’s why she wants to learn how she can open up to them more, because she knows when she does, they are helpful to her, and she knows they want to be there for her,too, she has just been having a hard time<em> letting </em> them be there for her.</p>
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<p>“And then there’s Ben, my—” she paused for a moment before saying he wasn’t exactly her boyfriend because she has made a point of saying he isn’t and that she doesn’t want to be in a serious relationship because it scares her. The patient went on to say that no one has ever made her feel the way this person does. She said she thought she hated him at first because she believed he was some “crazy criminal who was going to burn my dorm down”, but then he opened up and more or less said that his destructive behaviors are a form of self-harm, and the patient reported that once he revealed this, she felt badly for having judged him. </p>
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<p>The patient stated that she believes she does not deserve this person and that she does not deserve to be treated as well as he treats her. She said she kept trying to push him away but he has been so patient and understanding, “more than anyone could ever be expected to.”</p>
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<p>The patient paused then because she has started to cry. I offered her a box of tissues and she took them gratefully. She spent most of the remaining time in the session crying and then apologizing for crying and saying this is just “so much” and she’s not used to opening up, but she wants to learn how to talk about her feelings and face her fears because she doesn’t want to push him away again. </p>
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<a name="section0016"><h2>16. Chapter 16</h2></a>
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<hr/><p>It is raining by the time Rey gets the text that Ben is outside the library. She covers her head with her textbook and runs as quickly as she can to his car, but she still imagines she must look like a drowned rat by the time she opens the passenger’s side door. </p><p> </p><p>But Ben doesn’t seem to notice or mind, because as soon as she sits down he’s leaning over to kiss her, his hand delicately cupping her cheek.</p><p> </p><p>“Hi,” he murmurs, letting his forehead gently linger against hers for a moment. </p><p> </p><p>“Hi,” Rey responds breathlessly. “Thank you for, um — thank you for coming to pick me up.”</p><p> </p><p>“Of course,” he replies, “I’m glad you texted me. You shouldn’t be walking home alone at night — especially not in this weather,” he adds, tucking one of her rain drenched strands of hair behind her ear.</p><p> </p><p>A shy smile tugs at Rey’s lips, her eyes darting downward.</p><p> </p><p>He pulls away all too soon, his hands drifting back to the steering wheel. As he backs out of the parking lot, all Rey can hear are the sounds of the raindrops pitter-pattering against the windows and the rhythmic hum of the windshield wipers. </p><p> </p><p>Once they are out of the parking lot, Ben turns the radio on, and then reaches over to take Rey’s hand. She feels warmth spreading across her chest as she draws in a shaky breath. The radio volume is low, but she can hear Lady Gaga’s warm, crooning vocals mingling in the background with the sound of the rain as “Shallow” plays.</p><p> </p><p>“How was your day?” Ben asks, glancing briefly over at her, a hint of a smile on his lips.</p><p> </p><p>“Pretty boring, honestly, I just went to classes and worked on a paper,” she replies dully.</p><p> </p><p>“What’s your major, by the way?” he asks. “I don’t think you ever told me.” </p><p> </p><p>“Oh, I’m a mechanical engineering major,” Rey tells him.</p><p> </p><p>Ben looks surprised. </p><p> </p><p>“Really? So you’re not an acting major, then?” </p><p> </p><p>Rey shakes her head.</p><p><br/>
“Nope,” she starts, “I love theater, and it will always be a part of my life, but I want it to be the place I can go to de-stress and lose myself in another world when this one gets to be too much — which is often, when you’re me. But I’ve always had a knack for fixing and building things. I was always tinkering with alarm clocks and building things like bottle rockets as a kid; it gave me something to distract myself from the way my mind never seems to shut up, and it made me feel like I was doing something worthwhile if I could manage to build or fix something. It was like, no matter how worthless the adults in my life tried to make me feel, I could have this concrete evidence that my existence was worthwhile by fixing and building things. There was so much in my life that was broken beyond repair, I was determined to fix the things I could fix, and try to build new things to replace all the broken things in my life.”</p><p> </p><p>She is surprised at how easily the words fall from her lips, but she recalls what she told her therapist — now that she’s uncorked the bottle on her feelings, it’s like they won’t stop spilling out. But opening up to Ben doesn’t feel as scary as it once did. </p><p> </p><p>She thinks the startling ease with which she is beginning to share things with him also has something to do with how calm and safe she feels in his presence, and the way he so completely and attentively and reverently hangs on every word she says. After a lifetime of her feelings not being taken seriously, someone is finally listening to her, satiating the loneliness and isolation she’s felt for her entire life. </p><p> </p><p>Ben nods in understanding, empathy and concern evident in his dark eyes.</p><p> </p><p>“That’s kind of why I got into engineering, too, I—” he pauses and takes a deep breath. “I got sent to juvenile detention when I was in middle school, and the only thing that kind of kept me sane was reading, and, well, the little library they had at juvie was pretty lacking, but they had a lot of books on computer science and computer engineering for some reason, and I devoured those books, kind of in an effort to get my mind to turn off because, trust me, I know what it’s like to have a brain that won’t shut up—” he stops briefly and gives Rey a sympathetic glance as he squeezes her hand.</p><p> </p><p> “Anyway, they had this really old computer there, and they let us use it if we had good behavior. I started tinkering with it, another welcome distraction, and from there it just kind of became this obsession, which you may have noticed from how engrossed I get in my textbooks,”  he adds with a slight smirk.</p><p> </p><p>“Why yes, I <em> have </em>noticed that you’re a huge fucking nerd, Solo,” she teases, rolling her eyes. She pauses for a moment. “Why did—why did you have to go to juvenile detention?” She asks, and then thinks better of it, feeling guilty for prying. “I’m sorry, you don’t have to answer that if you don’t want to.”</p><p> </p><p>“No, it’s okay. It was pretty much the same stuff that I got in trouble for here — destruction of property, lighting things on fire, that kind of stuff,” he explains. </p><p> </p><p>“Oh...right,” Rey replies awkwardly.</p><p> </p><p>And then it is quiet again, save for the sound of the rain and the gentle swipes of the windshield wipers punctuated by the music from the radio softly humming through the speakers, as Ben turns the car to pull into the parking lot for Rey’s dorm. </p><p> </p><p>The car pulls to a gentle halt, and the sound of Rey’s seat belt unbuckling cuts through the silence as she slowly leans over to place a gentle kiss on Ben’s lips. She pulls away slightly, hesitantly, as they hold each other’s gaze for a moment.</p><p> </p><p>“Well, um, thanks again for the ri—” Rey starts to say, before she is cut off by Ben pulling her in again with a more passionate kiss, running his fingers through her chestnut hair as his tongue slides through her parted lips, causing the tiniest moan to escape from the back of her throat. </p><p> </p><p>She breathes out his name between hungry, open-mouthed kisses as she hears him unbuckle his seatbelt and then his hands are on her waist, with one hand drifting lower before resting on her thigh. She gasps.</p><p> </p><p>“<em> Rey </em>,” he murmurs, his lips brushing against her ear as he speaks, his breath hot on her neck, “I haven’t been able to stop thinking about that night in my car—”</p><p> </p><p>“Me either,” she replies breathlessly, and then she feels his hand making its way between her thighs, gliding under her short black skirt as his fingertips trail along the silky fabric of her black tights.</p><p> </p><p>“Rey, can I —” he draws in a shaky breath as he kisses her jaw and begins to trail kisses down her neck. “I want to taste you again.”</p><p> </p><p>Rey moans when he says this, remembering how he had described the way he reveled in tasting her on his fingers after she left the car that night.</p><p> </p><p>“Can I—” he rejoins nervously, swallowing hard. </p><p> </p><p>“Can you what, Ben?” Rey implores.</p><p> </p><p>“Can I put my mouth on you?” he asks, his voice husky and low.  “Can I make you come with my tongue?” </p><p> </p><p>“<em> Fuck </em>,” Rey moans as her cunt throbs. </p><p> </p><p>She can feel herself getting wetter as these sinful words leave his delicious, full, pink lips and, <em> oh, </em> how she has longed to feel those lips <em> everywhere </em>. </p><p> </p><p>“<em> Please </em>, Ben,” she murmurs as she forcefully and fervently presses her lips against his. She feels his hand slide down into her tights, fingertips delicately brushing against the wetness pooling between her bare thighs, before gently tugging her panties to the side and brushing his fingertips against the wet contours of her entrance. </p><p> </p><p>“<em> Rey </em> ,” he rasps, his voice low and desperate in her ear. “You’re <em> so wet </em>. I can’t believe how wet you get for me, sweetheart.” </p><p> </p><p>Rey whimpers as she bucks up against his fingers, imploring him to slide them inside of her the way he had that night.</p><p> </p><p>A smile tugs at the corners of his mouth as he gives her what she wants, his fingers crooking inside of her in <em> just </em>the right way, and she bleats out his name in a low, desperate moan.</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>They eventually find their way to the backseat. Rey’s skirt is up around her hips and her tights and  panties have fallen down to her ankles as she lays down against the cool leather seats. Ben tugs at her long-sleeved dark purple t-shirt, and she hurriedly helps him tug it over her head, leaving her in just her powder blue bra. </p><p> </p><p>“Rey,” he murmurs, awestruck, his dark, glassy eyes worshipfully scanning every inch of her. “You’re so beautiful.” </p><p> </p><p>She feels her face flushing hot as he reigns kisses down the column of her neck, along her collarbone, down across belly, before finally placing two small kisses on the inside of either thigh. His eyes flit up to hers briefly, hesitating, asking for permission, and she responds only with a desperate, furious nod, biting her lip as she holds his gaze. </p><p> </p><p>A smile peels across his lips and then his mouth is on her and —<em> O, trespass sweetly urged </em>—nothing has ever felt quite so intoxicating or exquisite as the warmth of his lips on her wet cunt. </p><p> </p><p>That is, until she feels his tongue sliding inside of her in a burst of intoxicating pleasure that makes her cry out, clumsily trying to grip at the leather seats.</p><p> </p><p>Ben groans and pulls away ever so slightly, licking his lips.</p><p> </p><p>“<em> Fuck </em> ,” he manages, his voice dazed, almost drunken. “You taste <em> so good </em>, Rey.”</p><p> </p><p>Rey whimpers upon hearing these filthy words roll off his tongue and she curses every second that passes until he is graciously sliding it inside of her again, lapping at her so softly and gently and <em> perfectly </em> she thinks she might actually lose her mind. </p><p> </p><p>Everything else seems to melt away when his mouth is on her like this and she feels herself beginning to cant her hips against his mouth, hands knotting in his silken, raven hair, which elicits another delicious moan from his lips as he brings her closer and closer. She can feel warmth pooling heavily in her chest and electricity pulsing across every inch of her skin.</p><p> </p><p>It is almost too much when she feels him slide his fingers inside of her, and she shrieks at the sudden, exquisite thrill of pleasure as he continues to lick and suckle on her clit. She’s rocking her hips desperately against now because she is so close, <em> so so so close </em>—</p><p> </p><p>She comes in a beautiful shattering instant, the edges of her vision going white as she arches her back and desperately cries out his name before collapsing against the car door, gasping for air. </p><p> </p><p>When she regains some semblance of sanity again, she glances down at Ben, who is gazing up at her with adoration and awe in his intense, beautiful, deep brown eyes, and a part of her desperately wants to hide from heat of his gaze, from the intimacy of the moment, but another part of her wants to drown in his fervent, adoring gaze forever.</p><p> </p><p>He tastes like her when he kisses her lips and there is something intoxicating about it. </p><p> </p><p>“Are you okay? Was that okay?” she hears him murmuring gently in her ears.</p><p> </p><p>“<em> Ben </em> —that —” she’s still trying to catch her breath and figure out how to form words again, “—so <em> perfect </em> , made me feel so <em> good </em>—” she manages, prompting a wolfish smile to appear on Ben’s lips.</p><p> </p><p>“But—” Rey continues hesitantly, “I was thinking that maybe next time...” she takes a deep breath. “I was thinking that maybe next time we might be more comfortable in your bed,” she says with a shy smile.</p><p> </p><p>She watches his eyes light up as she says this, but his expression is marred by disbelief.</p><p> </p><p>“Rey — sweetheart — are you sure?” he asks as his eyes search her face.</p><p> </p><p>“Of course I’m sure,” she whispers fiercely and then she feels his lips pressing against hers, kissing her deeply, tenderly, passionately, holding her face in his hands as she tangles her fingers in his hair, desperately licking into each other’s mouths. </p><p> </p><p>She can feel his erection against her, straining through his jeans, and she starts to grind herself against him and the friction feels delicious as she closes her eyes as she starts to imagine how it will feel to have him inside of her.</p><p> </p><p>“Does that feel good, sweetheart?” she hears him crooning into her ear, snapping her out of her reverie, and she nods furiously, determinedly canting her hips and pressing herself harder against him as she whimpers and moans. </p><p> </p><p>“Ben?” She manages breathlessly.</p><p> </p><p>“Yes, Rey?” </p><p> </p><p>“Ben, when you take me to your bed, I want — I want <em> all </em>of you—” she stammers, keeping her gaze locked on his as she continues to press up against him.</p><p> </p><p>“<em> Rey,” </em>he gasps. “Rey, are you sure?” brows furrowing with concern despite the hopeful glint in his eyes.</p><p> </p><p>“I’ve never been more sure of anything,” she says fiercely and then their open mouths find each other in a desperate, starving, dizzying whirl, as the writhe against each other. Rey cries out when he makes her come, and she hears him moan her name when he comes, and it is the most delicious, intoxicating sound she has ever heard. </p><p> </p><p>They linger for a moment, labored breaths mingling as they slowly become aware of the rest of the world again, the rain still tapping against the windows, blurring out the dark night that surrounds them.</p><p> </p><p>Ben sits up and, after pulling her shirt back over her head and tugging her panties and tights back on, Rey collapses onto his lap, wrapping her arms around him as he pulls her in tightly, both sighing contentedly.</p><p> </p><p>She realizes then how secure she feels in his arms, and how it helps to dull the fear that still tugs at her chest. </p><p> </p><p>But then she wonders if he has similar anxieties and misgivings; she remembers what he had said to her earlier: <em>I know what it’s like to have a brain that won’t shut up. </em>She remembers what he had shared with her about his mother, and how he also knows what it’s like to feel unwanted. And she’s spent so much time thinking about all the ways they are fundamentally different, she hadn’t stopped to consider all the things that make them fundamentally the same. </p><p> </p><p>She glances up at him, at his deep brown eyes and his silken shock of dark hair, her eyes scanning every beautiful inch of his face, trying to memorize him, and above all, trying to memorize the way he’s looking at her, like she is his Juliet, like she is the sun. </p><p> </p><p>She sighs, and it comes out sounding half forlorn and half deeply content.</p><p> </p><p>“It’s late and I have class in the morning,” she says finally. “And you should change out of these jeans,” she teases.</p><p> </p><p>Ben flushes pink at this remark, much to her delight. </p><p> </p><p>She gently brushes her fingertips against his cheek.</p><p> </p><p>“Goodnight, Ben,” she says before gently pressing her lips to his. </p><p> </p><p>“Goodnight, sweetheart,” he murmurs. “Parting is such sweet sorrow, that I shall say goodnight till it be morrow,” He adds softly as he, tucks a strand of her hair behind her ear.</p><p> </p><p>She rolls her eyes playfully.</p><p> </p><p>“Oh my god, you’re such a fucking <em> nerd </em> , Solo,” she taunts. “I can’t <em> stand </em>you.”</p><p> </p><p>“Mmm, you have a funny way of showing it,” he says teasingly as he leans into press his lips to hers again, and Rey laughs into the kiss.</p><p> </p><p>“Okay, seriously though, I do need to go,” she tells him, still smiling as she retrieves her textbook and her jacket from the front seat. </p><p> </p><p>They kiss once more before Rey opens the car door and steps out into the rain, but this time she doesn’t try to block out the downpour with her textbook. </p><p> </p><p>She relishes the feeling of the raindrops on her skin every step from the car to her dorm. </p><p><br/>
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</p>
<hr/><p>
  <strong> <em>Rey is Currently Listening To ( "Somebody left me feeling empty and somebody ripped me at the seams/ But you're bringing back all my feelings/I'm deep divin' into your emotions/And sometimes I think I might be broke/But you're bringing back all my feelings..."</em> </strong>
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  <strong> <em>Ben is Currently Listening To:</em> </strong>
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<a name="section0017"><h2>17. Chapter 17</h2></a>
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  <b>Therapy Progress Notes </b>
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<p><b>Date</b>: 3/20/20</p>
<p><b>Start of Care</b>: 1/24/20</p>
<p><b>Patient Name</b>: Benjamin Organa Solo</p>
<p><b>DOB:</b> 2/22/97</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The patient appeared to be in exceptionally good spirits today. He said that his co-star in Romeo &amp; Juliet — whom he is romantically involved with — is beginning to open up to him more and seems to be taking steps towards becoming more serious about the relationship.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He said the more he learns about her, the more he realizes they have in common, and it makes him feel less alone, but he is also heartbroken to know that someone he cares about so much has suffered in the way he has. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>He said it still feels surreal to him that “someone like her” could care about “someone like him” and I asked him what he meant and he said he’s been made to feel like he was a monster for his whole life, and he said she’s the first person who has seen the good in him, good that he never even realized existed within him before he met her. However, he said he is still having a hard time believing he deserves to be loved. “Not that she even feels that way about me,” he added. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>The patient went on to say that the woman asked him to text her when he got home safe, and he hasn’t been able to stop thinking about that because no one has ever asked him to do that before, and while he knows it’s a small thing, he’s just so unused to people caring about him that he was taken aback by it.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He said he is still feeling heartbroken that his mother has not gotten back to him, and that it has triggered his destructive impulses again for the first time in a while, although the patient said he did not act on the impulses. He stated that being able to talk about his mom in therapy and with Rey was tremendously helpful to him, and he said he has also found doing stage combat in Romeo &amp; Juliet to be a healthier way to channel his destructive impulses, and that he would consider taking fencing or something similar when the play is done.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The patient also said acting in general has also played a vital role in improving his mental health. He said he’s realizing that acting out a character’s emotions can help him process and understand his own, and the positive feedback he has gotten about his acting from Professor Kanata has improved his self-esteem. He said he would like to continue acting even after Romeo &amp; Juliet is over.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He concluded the session by stating that he is very overwhelmed and frightened by the strength of his feelings for his co-star, and is still convinced she will “come to her senses” and change her mind, but he’s trying to challenge that negative self-talk the way we’ve worked on in therapy. He said everything about their relationship scares him to death, but she’s made him happy in ways he didn’t know were possible for him, so he’s willing to try to put his fears aside if that’s what it takes for a chance to be with her. </p>
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  <b>Therapy Progress Notes </b>
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<p><b>Date</b>: 3/20/20</p>
<p><b>Start of Care</b>: 3/16/20</p>
<p><b>Patient Name</b>: Rey Johnson</p>
<p><b>DOB:</b> 10/25/00</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The patient appeared anxious again this week, although less so than she was at the previous session.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>She said she is trying to start to open up to the people in her life, and while she said it’s “absolutely [expletive] terrifying” she’s said she is realizing that what’s on the other side of that fear might be worth it. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Now that she’s starting to open up to people a little bit, it’s becoming easier and easier with practice, and, in fact, the patient reported that the more she opens up about her feelings, the more she wants to <em> keep </em> opening up, because there is something cathartic about finally letting loose all the thoughts and feelings and fears she’s kept bottled up her whole life. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>She said she’s trying to work more on practicing self-care, even if it feels foreign right now, and reports that her overall anxiety levels are diminishing slightly as a result.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>She also said she’s still not used to being cared about, and said she was surprised when Ben, whom she described as her “not-boyfriend-that-I-kind-of-wish-was-my-boyfriend-even-though-I-would-never-say-that-out-loud-wait-oh-[expletive]-I-said-it-out-loud”, dropped everything to pick her up from the library after midnight when she was stranded there. She said she knows it sounds like a simple thing but no one has ever done anything like that for her before. She doesn’t feel like she deserves to be treated as well as he treats her, and when asked why, she said that growing up she was abused and neglected by her foster parents, who told her it was her fault that her mother abandoned her, and she has truly come to believe that she deserves to be treated the way she was treated by her foster families growing up. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>But she went onto state that if Rose and Kaydel want to be her friends and if Ben wants a relationship with her, there must be good in her, and it also occurred to her that she should trust <em> their </em>judgement far more than she trusts the opinion of “[expletive] people that treated her like [expletive]”, and she’s beginning to realize maybe she never deserved to be treated the way she was treated at all, and that the way the people in her life treat her now is how it should be. The patient became quite tearful as she said this.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>She said she’s still scared [expletive]-less about the prospect of things becoming more serious with this individual with whom she is romantically involved, but she said loves him so much that (she paused again here and said ‘[expletive], I really am in love with him, aren’t I, what the [expletive]’) she’s willing to learn to sit with the fear and not run away for once, “because if anyone is worth the risk, it’s him.”</p>
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<p>“Are you alright, sweetheart?” Ben asks as they leave the theater after rehearsal and out into the warm spring evening, instinctively sliding his hand in with hers, but Rey abruptly pulls her hand away.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“I’m fine,” she retorts curtly, but he can hear her sniffing back tears.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Okay,” he says softly, and she can tell from the distant sound of his voice that she’s wounded him, and it only increases the ever-growing ache in her chest. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“It’s just—” Rey pauses. “Rehearsing that scene, the death scene, it just reminded me of why I love this play so much, and also why it breaks my heart—<em> ‘These violent delights have violent ends </em>.’”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Maybe when you’re a member of a warring family in sixteenth century Verona,” he points out.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Or when you’re just anyone living at any time, Ben,” she snaps, sighing exasperatedly. “It’s just the way things are. My dad left my mom, my mom left me. Maybe things don’t end quite as dramatically as they do in a Shakespearean tragedy in real life, but it all leads to the same thing — suffering.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Ben stops walking and pauses for a moment. Rey turns to look at him.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>His voice is quiet when he finally speaks. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“I think that sometimes, maybe, true love can defy the stars, Rey,” he says softly, before looking up at her with those beautiful, adoring dark eyes of his, which Rey notices are now glassy with tears. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>She wants to tell him he’s right. She wants to kiss away his tears when they start to fall from his eyes.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Instead, she scoffs, the walls that she had so painstakingly started to tear down rising up again, pushing him out. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Ah yes, and that belief worked out <em> so </em> wonderfully for Romeo, didn’t it?” she quips cruelly.  “Besides, why are you even arguing with me about this? Why do you care if I think love can <em> defy the stars </em>or not?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>When she meets his eyes he is crying, and it breaks her heart. She wants to throw himself into his arms and tell him it’s okay, to tell him she’s sorry, to tell him he’s right. Because she <em> wants </em> to believe what he’s saying. But there’s still some part of her that is desperately avoiding being vulnerable, scared to death of accepting and admitting how she feels about him. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Because,” he says finally, his voice trembling. “Because I love you, Rey.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p><em>I love you, too, </em>she thinks.<em> I love you I love you I love you — </em>she can feel the words stuck in the back of her throat, trying desperately to come out. <em>My bounty is as boundless as the sea, my love as deep; the more I give to thee, the more I have, for both are infinite.</em></p>
<p> </p>
<p>Juliet probably has more reason to be afraid to love than she does, and yet these words pour forth from Juliet’s lips with an ease that Rey will never possess. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>So instead of saying all the things she so desperately wishes she could tell him, she puts up her walls, building them up higher than ever. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Ben, I’m —” she stammers, shaking her head as tears well in her eyes. “I’m sorry, Ben, I just — I just can’t do this.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>She turns away before he can see her tears start to pour down her cheeks. She turns away because she knows the look he must have on his face right now will shatter her heart into a thousand pieces. And it’s all her own stupid fault.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Rey, please—“ she hears him start to say, his voice breaking.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“I’m sorry, Ben,” she says again, so quietly she wonders if he even heard her.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>And then she does what she always does. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>She runs away. And she hates herself for it.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>She runs all the way back to her dorm, ignoring him as he calls out after her, running and running until his voice fades into the distance, finally collapsing outside her door, gasping for air as she lets her tears wash over her.</p>
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  </div></div>
<a name="section0018"><h2>18. Chapter 18</h2></a>
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  <b>Therapy Progress Notes </b>
</p><p>
  <b>Date</b>
  <span>: 3/24/20</span>
</p><p>
  <b>Start of Care</b>
  <span>: 1/24/20</span>
</p><p>
  <b>Patient Name</b>
  <span>: Benjamin Organa Solo</span>
</p><p>
  <b>DOB:</b>
  <span> 2/22/97</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The patient requested an earlier appointment this week.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He reported strong urges to engage in destructive behaviors again. He said talking to his mom last night helped him calm down enough to not engage in his destructive impulses. I pointed out that reaching out to someone instead of hurting himself is a sign of progress, to which the patient shrugged his shoulders.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He reported that Rey, his romantic interest had said “I can’t do this” when he told her he loves her and that is what has triggered the destructive urges.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He said he is trying to stop himself from going into a catastrophic thinking spiral, but he can’t pretend this didn’t trigger memories of Dr. Snoke telling him he doesn’t deserve love because he is (according to Snoke) a “psychopath” and “incapable of empathy”, “only destruction.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“He never seemed to understand that the only person I ever tried to hurt was myself,” the patient explained tearfully. “But he made me believe I was a monster.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>When asked if the patient still believes he is a “monster”, he said that loving Rey has made him realize just how wrong Snoke was about him, even if things ultimately don’t work out with Rey, it proves that he is not the cold-hearted destructive criminal Dr. Snoke made him believe he was. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He said if this had happened a few weeks ago, though, his answer may have been different. But now he’s realizing he doesn’t need Rey to be with him in order to be a good person -- she’s helped him to see that he’s been a good person all along.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“She’s just woken me up and made me realize there’s things other than punching walls and lighting things on fire that can make me feel alive and I feel like the best possible version of myself when I am with her and I would survive without her but everything is always better with her, and her smile, and the sound of her laughter, and I’m hoping against hope that maybe she will let me see her smile again,” the patient said as we concluded the session.</span>
</p><p><br/>
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</p><p>
  <b>Therapy Progress Notes </b>
</p><p>
  <b>Date</b>
  <span>: 3/25/20</span>
</p><p>
  <b>Start of Care</b>
  <span>: 3/16/20</span>
</p><p>
  <b>Patient Name</b>
  <span>: Rey Johnson</span>
</p><p>
  <b>DOB:</b>
  <span> 10/25/00</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The patient requested an earlier appointment this week.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>When she sat down on the couch, she immediately announced, “I messed up. I’m such a [expletive] idiot. I always do this. And I don’t want to do this anymore, but I feel like I don’t know how to stop.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>When I asked the patient to clarify, she said she wants to learn how to stop putting up walls and pushing people away when they get too close. She said Ben, her co-star in Romeo and Juliet with whom she was romantically involved, told her he loves her and she “freaked out” and said “I can’t do this” before running away from him, even though she wanted to tell him she loves him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She said hearing him say “I love you” literally activated her fight or flight response, it was “like the scariest thing I’ve ever heard.” I asked her why it was so frightening to her and she said because she feels exactly the same way, and she knows how much it’s going to hurt in the end and she can’t bear to face another loss in her life.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The patient paused for a long while and then said: “But then again, haven’t I survived everything that’s happened to me up until this point? All the horrible things that happened to me as a kid, I was so resilient, I found ways to cope by building and fixing things, by trying out for plays, by getting away from London once and for all and starting a new life in America like, god, why am I so scared of a relationship potentially not working out when I’ve been through some of the worst things imaginable and come out stronger than ever?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The patient paused again for another long moment, as if taking in what she just said.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It’s just that, like, I literally like want to have his f***ing babies -- not right now obviously but like -- I just mean -- what I’m trying to say is -- that’s what scares me, like —- I feel like I could have a real future with him. That probably sounds crazy. But I do. He’s...I can’t even properly explain how I feel about him. Every time he smiles at me it just feels like — it feels like coming home somehow for the first time in my entire life. And the idea of having that, and then potentially losing it...it scares me to death. Because it reminds me of how every time I thought a half-way decent foster family might adopt me I got kicked to the curb again. My brain is, like, hard-wired to believe that the second I get close to or comfortable with someone, I’m going to get abandoned again. But I’m just now realizing the irony of all this is that, in an effort to avoid being abandoned again, so I push people away. But in doing so, I end up all alone again anyway. And the only way I’ll have a chance at a future with someone is if I’m willing to accept the risk it won’t work out. And I’m realizing now that maybe there are some things about me that are likeable and even if it doesn’t work out with Ben, there could still be someone else out there I could build a future with but, God, I hope it’s Ben. I really hope it’s Ben,” the patient said.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The patient went on to say she hopes Ben hasn’t done anything destructive or tried to hurt himself because that would break her heart. She said she hopes he never does that again and she hopes he never even gets in that headspace again. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I just want him to be safe and feel loved. I just want him to feel loved by </span>
  <em>
    <span>me,</span>
  </em>
  <span>” she said. “But I don’t know how to tell him now, especially after how I reacted. And it’s funny, because in a way, I was telling him everyday at rehearsals -- I told Professor Kanata I had the flu this week to avoid doing just that -- but I’ve been saying it and there’s a part of me that has hoped he somehow knew it wasn’t just Juliet saying those things. I love the way I feel like I can be this different, braver person when I’m on stage -- wait --” The patient paused then and appeared to be thinking for several long moments. “I think I have an idea,” she said. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She then said she had to go, thanked me for all my help, and exited the session 10 minutes early. </span>
</p><p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0019"><h2>19. Chapter 19</h2></a>
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</p><hr/><p>When Ben enters the theater, Rey is standing on stage in Juliet’s ball gown, with its empire waist and bell sleeves, its burgundy crushed velvet and gold brocade accents. She looks as stunningly beautiful as ever, and it only makes his heart ache more. </p><p> </p><p>He does as she asked in her text message and takes a seat in the front row. And then Rey smiles at him, and he feels tears prickle in his eyes.</p><p> </p><p>“Mine own sweet Ben Solo—” she starts, and she is speaking in Juliet’s voice and moving with Juliet’s mannerisms, yet the dialogue is improvised and she is using his name, “—gaveth the declaration of his love, and I has't so cruelly left that him without an answ'r.”</p><p> </p><p>Ben’s heart is beating faster with each beautifully delivered line lilting in her melodic voice. What is happening? What is she trying to tell him?</p><p> </p><p>“I only wish thee but knew — I gave thee mine heart bef're thou didst request it. I gave it to thee <em> ev'ry day, </em>” she says, and then she smiles again, and it is everything, she is the east, she is the sun, and he loves her more than he can bear.</p><p> </p><p>She starts moving across the stage now, in the direction of the stairs.</p><p> </p><p>“Ev'ry w'rd I didst speak as Juliet  — I meant ev'ry one only for thee,” she says, and he can’t stop the flood of tears pouring from his eyes as she says these words. She smiles again, and it is radiant, and warmth like spring sunshine spreads across his chest.</p><p> </p><p>“But... I shall tell thee again now that thee knoweth,” she says with that coy smile as she starts slowly descending down the stairs. </p><p> </p><p>“My bounty is as boundless as the sea—,” she starts, glancing up at him shyly as she takes a step down the stairs, lifting up her full skirts slightly so she doesn’t trip, “—my love as deep—”, she takes another step, “—the more I give to thee, the more I have, for both—” she descends to the final step and starts walking toward where he sits in the front row, “—are <em> infinite </em>,” she adds as she gingerly sits down in his lap, and when she speaks again her voice is a delicate whisper. </p><p> </p><p>“For I love thee liketh the stars love the evening sky, Ben Solo,” she murmurs, and there’s a glimmer in her hazel eyes and a playful smile tugging at her lips as she gently rests her forehead against his. </p><p> </p><p>And then he does the only thing he can do in that moment: he kisses her, and the feeling of her lips pressed against his own is even more exquisite than he had remembered and <em> he loves her, he loves her, he loves her, </em>his brain hums the words like a mantra, like a prayer, like it’s the only truth he’s ever known as he tangles his fingers in her chestnut colored hair, her tongue delicately sliding through his parted lips, his fingertips sweeping along her torso as he revels in the feeling of the delicate crushed velvet.</p><p> </p><p>She starts trailing kisses down his neck and then he feels her lips brushing against the shell of his ear, her breath warm against his neck, the strawberry scent of her shampoo flooding his senses.</p><p> </p><p>“So,” she croons. “Are you going to take me to your bed or what, Solo?”</p><hr/><p>Once Rey has changed out of Juliet’s ball gown and back into her regular clothes, they leave the theater and head towards Ben’s car. </p><p> </p><p>He feels a surge of warmth when Rey gingerly reaches out and takes his hand. When he glances over at her, he is struck once again by how beautiful she is. She looked stunning in Juliet’s gown, but she is most beautiful when she is just Rey, in a pair of light blue jeans and a blush colored sweater, her chestnut brown hair in delicately tousled waves falling to her shoulders, her striking hazel eyes, the smattering of freckles across her skin. </p><p> </p><p>He remembers the first time he noticed her freckles, the first time they kissed. They were one of the first things he loved about her, and while the list of things he loves about her has grown much longer since, her freckles are still one of his favorite things about her.</p><p><br/>“Rey?” he says softly, and she turns to look at him.</p><p> </p><p>“Yes, Ben?” she replies, and even just the sound of her voice saying his name seems to make his heart race. He sees the hint of a smile pulling at her lips.</p><p> </p><p>“I love you,” he tells her. </p><p> </p><p>Then she smiles in earnest, and he remembers how he told Dr. Calrissian that he had been hoping against hope that he would get to see her smile again. And here she is now, holding his hand, beaming at him because he told her he loves her. </p><p> </p><p><em>I am afraid being in night, all this is but a dream, too flattering-sweet to be substantial, </em>he thinks, recalling Romeo’s line during the balcony scene, and he has never related to it more.</p><p> </p><p>“I love you, too,” she murmurs, and then she stands up on her tip-toes and kisses him, and <em>oh </em>how he has missed the way her lips taste when they’re pressed up against his own. Before he met her, he had to set fire to things to feel alive, but her kisses are enough to stoke a fiery inferno coursing through his veins, and he relishes in it. </p><p> </p><p>He takes her face in his hands then and begins kissing her more hungrily, pulling her closer, tasting her, <em>savoring</em> her, his hand wandering to the nape of her neck as he licks into her mouth but then, <em>agonizingly </em>, she pulls away.</p><p> </p><p>“<em> Ben,” </em>she admonishes, blushing furiously. “We’re still in public,” she chides, before standing up on her tiptoes to whisper in his ear. “You can kiss me like that when I’m in your bed,” she reminds him, her voice a low hum sending shockwaves across every inch of his skin. </p><p> </p><p>“Well then,” he says, taking her hand again, “Let’s not waste anymore time.”</p><p> </p><hr/><p>Ben’s flat is a typical college apartment in many ways, furnished with an assortment of Ikea and thrift store furniture, but what stands out are the full-sized framed movie posters adorning the walls, dozens of them. And they’re all old, classic Hollywood films like “Casablanca”, “North By Northwest”, “Gone With the Wind”, and, she notes with delight, Zeffirelli's “Romeo and Juliet.” </p><p> </p><p>“I didn’t know you were into old movies,” Rey says, turning over her shoulder to look at him.</p><p> </p><p>“The boarding school I went to had really shitty internet and I didn’t really have any friends there, so on weekends I would go to the recreation room that had all these old movies on VHS tapes, and, with nothing better to do, I would watch them,” he explains, “It gave me something to distract me when my brain wouldn’t shut up. They were kind of like my security blanket. That’s why I decided to do ‘Romeo and Juliet’, incidentally. I could’ve joined an engineering club or a computer science club or literally any other club other than drama club, but I’ve always been kind of interested in acting, but I was too embarrassed to ever admit it. So as much as I made a big show of complaining about being ‘forced’ to be in this ‘stupid play’, I was secretly grateful for an excuse to finally try acting.”</p><p> </p><p>“Well, <em>I </em>, for one, am very grateful you decided to audition,” Rey replies, scrunching up her nose as she smirks at him and brushes his hair out of his face, fingertips grazing his cheek.</p><p> </p><p> “You are very talented at acting, Ben,” she says sincerely, but then her tone becomes more flirtatious. “...among other things.”</p><p> </p><p>“Is that so?” he murmurs, his voice deliciously low and hoarse as his eyes dart to her lips, one of his large hands engulfing her waist as he pulls her in closer to him. </p><p> </p><p>She bites her lip and nods, gazing upwards at him with wide, imploring, hungry eyes as they drift closer to one another until they are only a breath away. </p><p> </p><p>And then in one dizzying instant, their lips meet in a desperate frenzy, and they devour each other with fervent, open-mouthed kisses,  tangling their tongues together as their needy, hungry hands glide across each other, everywhere at once. </p><p> </p><p>Suddenly, <em>excruciatingly </em>, Ben pulls away and an involuntary whimper escapes from Rey’s lips at the sudden loss of contact. And then, before she can even process what is happening, she feels him lifting her into the air, scooping her into his arms, and she gasps.</p><p> </p><p>“What are you—” she starts to say.</p><p> </p><p>“Didn’t you say you wanted me to take you to my bed?” he murmurs, and there’s a mischievous glint in his dark eyes as a smile tugs at his lips.</p><p> </p><p>“ I— I did,” Rey replies breathlessly.</p><p>
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</p><p>His eyes are worshipful as he gingerly lays her down on his black bed sheets, their shoulders rising with the effort of their labored breaths as their gazes remain desperately, intensely locked.</p><p> </p><p>“Wait here,” he says softly into her ear, and she watches him, confused as he shuffles through his bedside table, and then she sees him taking out a candle lighter and she smiles because <em>of course </em>he would, and she watches as he lights the candles he has sitting on his nightstand and his dresser.</p><p> </p><p>“You <em>would </em>insist on lighting candles,  Solo,” she teases as he climbs back into the bed.</p><p> </p><p>"I wanted it to be special," he murmurs and she smiles at him. </p><p> </p><p>"Of course you did, Ben Solo," she says, her voice soft and adoring, and then she gently, delicately kisses his lips.  They kiss slowly at first, tasting each other, savoring each other. She feels the way his tongue explores her mouth with flicking and rolling and swirling motions that make her feel suddenly weightless, boneless, melting in his arms. </p><p> </p><p>She kisses him back more forcefully then, pressing her mouth hard against his and then opening it, sliding her tongue between his lips as she knots her fingers in his shock of dark hair, wanting, <em>needing </em>him closer to her. She starts to tug at his t-shirt and he shrugs it off as a boyish smile peeks across his lips — those <em>delicious </em>, full, pink lips, those lips that had made her come when they were pressed against her cunt in the backseat of his car and then suddenly all she can think about is how she wants to feel his lips everywhere, <em>everywhere.</em></p><p> </p><p>He begins raining kisses down her neck, and she feels his hand gently slide under her sweater, and then he pauses.</p><p> </p><p>“Is this okay?” he asks and she nods as she starts to pull her shirt over her head, before clumsily unclasping her bra and letting it fall to the floor. </p><p> </p><p>“<em> Oh </em>, Rey,” he murmurs breathlessly, his lips finding hers again as she feels his fingertips brushing against her cheek and then trailing lower, down the column of her neck, and lower still, landing just below her collar bone, and then she gasps into his mouth as he cups her breast in his hand.</p><p> </p><p>She realizes he’s kneeling between her spread legs and she doesn’t know exactly how they got into that position, but she’s not about to complain.</p><p> </p><p>As he palms against her breasts, her nipples becoming hardened peaks, she moans, one hand grasping at the sheets, the other trying to steady herself against his headboard. </p><hr/><p>He takes his time with each worshipful caress, thumbing at her her pebbled nipples, as his lips find their way to her neck, kissing her, suckling at her, <em>tasting </em>her, reveling in the way she whimpers and writhes at his ministrations. </p><p> </p><p>His lips trail down further still, warm and soft against her skin, and then he slides one of her breasts into his mouth, and a moan escapes from the back of his throat. He sucks at her, his tongue swirling around the hardened peek of her nipple,  and it is the most glorious sensation, made all the more intoxicating by the way she moans for him.</p><p> </p><p>He lets his hand trail lower until it rests between her thighs and he pauses, glancing up at her hesitantly.</p><p> </p><p>She responds by desperately and fervently working to undo the button and zipper on her jeans, trying to shimmy them off of herself with a desperate huff as she scrunches up her face in frustration.</p><p> </p><p>She does this the way she does almost everything — with intense, determined resolve. </p><p> </p><p>It is adorable.</p><p> </p><p>He can’t suppress a small chuckle as he helps her along, tugging them off the rest of the way.</p><p> </p><p>“What?” she demands.</p><p> </p><p>“You’re very cute,” he informs her, and then she blushes.</p><p> </p><p>“And—” he pauses, drinking in the sight of her laid bare before him, "you look so beautiful spread out naked in my bed. Even more beautiful than I imagined, Rey.”</p><p> </p><p>She takes his face in her hands and pulls him close, kissing his lips. </p><p> </p><p>“I need you to touch me, Ben, <em>please, </em>” she demands, and his cock throbs, and he’s so hard it almost hurts as she gasps these words into his ears.</p><p> </p><p>She gazes up at him with desperate longing in her exquisite hazel eyes, and it overwhelms him. It is beyond what he could have ever imagined or hoped for<em>, too flattering-sweet to be real, </em>indeed.</p><hr/><p>When his lips meet hers again, she can <em>feel </em>just how fiercely and unequivocally he loves her, and with his lips tangling with hers in this way, she wonders how she ever ran from his love. She feels his hand on the back of her neck, rubbing gentle circles as reverently and tenderly as he practices all of his devotions.</p><p> </p><p>She tangles her hands into his hair, as her tongue finds his with practiced ease. She wants him, <em>needs </em>him more than she can bear. </p><p> </p><p>She feels him gently slide her panties off of her, and she gasps when she feels his fingertips gliding softly along her entrance.</p><p> </p><p>“<em> Fuck </em>,” he groans, “You’re so wet, Rey. You’re always <em>so wet </em>for me.”</p><p> </p><p><em>“Ben,”  </em>his name pours forth from her lips like a hushed, desperate prayer.</p><p> </p><p>A crooked smile tugs at the corner of Ben’s mouth, his eyes remaining locked on hers as he lowers his head between her thighs. </p><p> </p><p>When she feels him licking inside of her, she cries out, canting her hips against his face, the friction of his nose against her clit utterly intoxicating. Each stroke of his sinful tongue feels like a holy ministration. <em>The holy shrine, the gentle sin is this—</em></p><p> </p><p><em>Give me my sin again, give me my sin again, give me my sin again </em>.</p><p> </p><p>He withdraws his lips and she whimpers, but then she feels him sliding one, and then two fingers inside of her, making her gasp. He slowly, gently presses them up into her, and he’s thrusting them deeper than he had that night in the car, and she winces slightly. </p><p> </p><p>“Are you okay?” Ben asks, and the way he looks at her, so tenderly and full of affection and concern, makes her feel so safe, and so glad that he will be her first. She trusts him completely. </p><p> </p><p>“Yes,” she tells him, and she means it. “Please don’t stop.”</p><p> </p><p>He continues pressing up into her, slowly, gently, yet rhythmically, bringing her closer and closer to a desperately needed release.</p><p> </p><p>She feels drunk on his touch and she never wants to be sober again.</p><p> </p><p>“<em> Fuck </em>, it always feels so <em>good </em>to have your fingers inside of me, Ben,” she groans, throwing her head back against the pillow as she relishes in the exhilarating and overwhelming sensation. </p><p> </p><p>And she can’t take it any longer— she needs <em>more </em>. </p><p> </p><p>“<em> Ben </em>, I want — I <em>need </em>all of you. <em>Please </em>.”</p><p> </p><p>“Are you sure, Rey?” he asks.</p><p><br/>“Yes, Ben. I want this— I  want this with <em>you </em>,” she says fiercely. “I love you, and I can’t imagine this with anyone else—Only you. <em>Always </em>you,” she tells him, her hazel eyes glistening as she rests her hand on his cheek. </p><p> </p><hr/><p>Ben can hardly fathom the words she is saying after spending so long feeling convinced she did not feel the same way for him as he feels for her, <em>especially </em>after what happened on Monday. He barely dared to hope he would ever even see her smile again; this, <em>this </em>is surely all but a flattering dream. </p><p> </p><p>And yet it is real, and <em>she </em>is real, sprawled out in front of him, her beautiful, lithe figure dusted here and there with smatterings of freckles, her exquisite face bathed in candlelight, <em>the brightness of her cheek would shame the stars, </em>he thinks, and he can’t imagine anyone else ever being Juliet, anyone else ever inspiring such poetic endearments to fall from Romeo’s lips.</p><p> </p><p>And she is looking at him like <em>that</em>, wanting him as desperately as he has always wanted her, with her arresting hazel eyes —<em> two of the fairest stars in heaven </em>— gazing up at him with an intensity and a reverence that he does not deserve.</p><p> </p><p>He was lying that first day he met her, when he told Armie she wasn’t his type. If he answered his question truthfully, he would have said she was the most beautiful, beguiling woman he had ever met, and he was half in love with her already, and it scared him to death. He tried desperately to keep her at arm's length, to convince himself he wasn’t falling for her, but after that day she asked him to teach her how to kiss, the day he noticed her hazel eyes and her freckles, he knew he was in over his head and there was no turning back.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>Whimpers and moans bleat out from Rey’s lips as he continues to press his fingers up into her, his dark eyes fixed on her with intense resolve, until <em>finally </em>, finally she comes, crying out his name as her fingers knot in his hair.</p><p> </p><p>They linger with their foreheads lightly pressed together as Rey begins to regain some semblance of sanity, her gasping breaths slowly returning to a normal pace.</p><p> </p><p>“<em> Ben </em>,” she admonishes after a moment, tugging at his belt. “Take off your jeans,” she says once she is able to form words again.</p><p> </p><p>A wolfish smile peeks across his lips and he obliges, sliding off his belt and then his pants, leaving him only in his boxers, which Rey immediately starts to pull down his legs and he helps her slide them down until they are finally, <em>finally</em> off of him, joining her clothes in a heap on the floor. </p><p> </p><p>Rey groans when she sees him, so hard and red and leaking and she remembers the time he came in her mouth that afternoon in the theater, and she is aching with want, with <em>yearning</em>, with her need for <em>him </em>, to feel him inside of her, to be filled by him. She sees him start to reach for his nightstand drawer and she puts her hand on his arm to stop him. </p><p> </p><p>“Ben, I —” she stammers. She never knows how to say what she wants; the words feel so unfamiliar and foreign on her tongue and she once again curses her inexperience for making her so awkward. </p><p> </p><p>“Yes, sweetheart?” he asks softly. “Are you okay?”</p><p> </p><p>“Yes, I just — I want — ” she falters.</p><p> </p><p>She feels him place a kiss on her jaw and a smattering of kisses down her neck.</p><p> </p><p>“What do you want, Rey? Please tell me,” he implores.</p><p> </p><p>“I’m on birth control and as long as you’re, um, as long as you’re clean and everything, I want — I want you to come inside of me, Ben,” she immediately feels embarrassed, squeezing her eyes shut because she feels like she worded it in the most unfortunate way possible, the way she always does.</p><p> </p><p>“<em> Rey </em>,” he rasps, his voice a low rumble, nearly a groan, and she hesitantly opens her eyes again. What she said must not have been <em>too</em> entirely awkward to elicit such a response. </p><p> </p><p>“Are you sure?” he asks furtively, his eyes scanning her face. </p><p> </p><p>“I’m sure,” she says fiercely, looking him in the eyes. “I want this. I want <em>you </em>.”</p><p> </p><p>“I want you, too, Rey,” he replies fervently before pressing his lips against hers, and she kisses him back softly, tenderly, passionately, letting their tongues mingle deliciously. </p><p> </p><p>“Are you nervous?” he asks her, his voice tender and affectionate.</p><p> </p><p>“A little,” Rey admits. “But I love you and I trust you and I want this more than I’ve ever wanted anything."</p><p> </p><p>“I’ll — I’ll go slowly and I’ll be gentle, I promise,” he reassures her. </p><p> </p><p>“I know you will, Ben,” she murmurs as she kisses his lips, and then she feels him brush against her entrance and the smallest gasp escapes from her lips. </p><p> </p><p>And, then, he slowly starts to slide into her, his eyes hesitant and concerned, and she draws in a sharp breath. </p><p> </p><p>“Are you okay? Did I hurt you?” he asks.</p><p> </p><p>Rey shakes her head.</p><p> </p><p>“No, you didn’t it just—kind of stings a little,” she tells him. “But I don’t want you to stop,” she adds decisively. </p><p> </p><p>His eyes are soft and patient as he leans in to kiss her lips, and then she feels him gently press into her again.</p><p> </p><p>Her breath comes in small, ragged gasps and hushed whimpers as he slowly stretches her. </p><p> </p><p>“Is this still okay?” he asks, his eyes concernedly scanning her face. </p><p> </p><p>Rey nods, a tiny whimper escaping from the back of her throat.</p><p> </p><p>“It feels so good to be inside of you, Rey,” he murmurs against her ear, his voice a low rumble that makes the hair on the back of her neck stand up, eliciting a moan from her parted lips. </p><p> </p><p>He smiles at her.</p><p> </p><p>“You’re so beautiful,” he tells her. “My sweet girl, taking me so well. <em>Only you, always you </em>,” he adds fiercely, echoing her words from earlier.</p><p> </p><p>A sound that is half-whimper, half-sigh escapes from her lips.  </p><p> </p><p>She feels him press into her again, and now he’s all the way inside of her. She winces again at the burning feeling, but it is starting to ebb away, giving way to more pleasurable sensations.</p><p> </p><p>“That — feels good,” she tells him. </p><p> </p><p>“Good,” he croons. “I want to make you feel good, Rey.”</p><p><br/>She feels him slowly, hesitantly pull back, and then gingerly press into her again.</p><p> </p><p>“Are you still okay?” he asks</p><p><br/>Rey nods.</p><p> </p><p>“I—” her breath hitches. “<em> Ben— </em>this— <em>you— </em>” she moans and closes her eyes as she lets her finger tips glide along and down the wide expanse of his back, relishing the feeling of his warm skin pressed up against her. She starts to cant her hips against him and it still stings but there is also an exquisite pleasure mingling with the pain that is slowly diminishing. </p><p> </p><p>She starts rocking her hips more quickly, imploring him for more, more, <em>more.</em></p><p> </p><p>“<em>Ben</em>," the gasps. "I —I need more—need all of you—please—d—don’t hold back—need you to fill me with your cock—” </p><p> </p><p>Ben groans and swears under his breath. </p><p> </p><p>“<em> Please, </em>” Rey whimpers.</p><p><br/>He starts to quicken the pace with which he presses into her, and she moans.</p><p> </p><p>“Yes, Ben, <em>please, </em>so—perfect—don’t—stop—”</p><p> </p><p>“Are you — are you going to come for me, Rey?” he asks in a low voice. </p><p> </p><p>She nods again and he smiles before gently kissing her lips.</p><p> </p><p>“Are you—“ she gasps again as she feels him pressed all the way inside of her. “Are you going to come for me, too, Ben?”</p><p> </p><p>“Of course. You always make me come, sweetheart,” he murmurs. “<em>God </em>, you’re so <em>tight </em>, Rey <em>— </em>it’s — <em>fuck— </em>you have no idea how good it feels to be inside of you. It’s even better than I imagined it would be.”</p><p> </p><p>She whimpers at his words.</p><p> </p><p>“<em>Ben</em>, I’m — I’m close — so — close—”</p><p> </p><p>“<em> Mmm </em>, good,” he murmurs. “Come for me, Rey,” he groans into her ear and the sound of his voice so rough and low is almost enough to make her come on its own. “Come on my cock, sweetheart, <em>please </em>.”</p><p> </p><p>She nearly shrieks at these intoxicatingly filthy words and she’s almost impossibly close now. She feels him playing with her clit with his thumb and it feels so <em>good </em>and <em>he </em>feels so good.</p><p> </p><p>His dark, beautiful, exquisite eyes are locked onto her  <em>— </em>so intense, so adoring, and <em>oh </em>how it still frightens her to be looked at like that, but she doesn’t care anymore, because she wants to melt under the heat of his loving gaze forever. </p><p><br/>“ <em>Ben—” </em>she croons.</p><p> </p><p>“Yes?” he manages to breathe out. </p><p> </p><p>“I <em>—,</em>” she gazes back at him with the same fierce, adoring gaze, mirroring the intensity and reverence in his eyes. “I love you.”</p><p> </p><p>“<em> Rey </em>,” his voice is trembling when he speaks, as his hand entwines with hers. “I love you, too.”</p><p> </p><p>And then in a staggering instant the edges of her vision flash white as she comes and it is <em>exquisite</em>, a holy revelation blossoming from somewhere deep inside of her as she cries out his name and then she feels him throb inside of her, her name escaping his lips like it is a divine confession, a plea, a prayer. </p><p> </p><p>He collapses beside her and she wraps herself around him, feeling his hands gently rubbing her back as he places a kiss on her forehead. </p><p> </p><p>“I love you, Ben,” she murmurs sleepily, her voice barely audible as she traces circles on his chest with her fingertips. She never wants to stop telling him.</p><p> </p><p>“I love you, too,” he hums, his voice soft and affectionate as he pulls her in closer, stroking her hair.</p><p> </p><p>She feels the echoes of her fear and apprehension beginning to melt away when she’s wrapped up in his arms like this, so safe and adored. She bemoans how she ever thought Ben, <em>her </em>Ben was some kind of violent criminal, when he is the gentlest, most tender and kind and loving person she has ever known. He has turned her world upside down, torn down her walls and for the first time made her feel completely understood and <em>seen </em>and, above all,<em> not alone</em>. </p><p> </p><p>She wouldn’t feel safe opening up her heart to anyone but him, and, wrapped up in his loving arms, she feels like it is finally, <em>finally </em>safe for her to fall because she knows, completely and unequivocally, that he will always be there to catch her. </p><p> </p><p>
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<a name="section0020"><h2>20. Chapter 20</h2></a>
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<a name="section0021"><h2>21. Chapter 21</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p><b> Trigger warnings for this chapter</b>: Sexual harassment, homophobia, use of the d slur</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“Oh my God!” Kaydel exclaims when she finds Ben and Rey waiting toward the back of the line to the masquerade. “What are my guests of honor doing all the way back here?</p><p> </p><p>The loud bass from the party music shakes the sorority house and reverberates out into the warm spring evening, the echo of a Lil Uzi Vert song Rey only vaguely recognizes pouring out through the open windows. Hundreds of students are lined up on the Red Solo Cup littered lawn of the Delta Sigma Sigma house, and the line extends all the way around the block. If even a quarter of the people lined up for this party show up to Romeo and Juliet, all three shows would certainly sell out, Rey thinks to herself. </p><p> </p><p>Kaydel is clad in an exquisite black lace bell sleeve gown cut into a deep v-neck with a black velvet choker that is adorned with a simple gold sunburst shaped pendant. Rey suddenly feels terribly underdressed in her simple black velvet gown, but then, she always feels underdressed in Kaydel’s presence. </p><p> </p><p>And Kay’s mask is just as sumptuous, an elaborate black lace Venetian style mask, adorned with a black rose and tall black feathers on one side. </p><p> </p><p>“I think this is the first time I’m meeting you in public, which is <em> crazy </em> because I’ve heard <em> so much </em> about you, Ben,” Kaydel exclaims, and something about the emphasis she puts on the end of the sentence makes Ben blush, and then, suddenly, he feels her throwing her arms around him. He awkwardly taps her back in response.</p><p> </p><p>“Sorry!” she chirps as she pulls away. “I’m a hugger,” she adds with a shrug, before pulling Rey into a tight squeeze.</p><p> </p><p>“I am <em> loving </em> you in this dress, girl,” she says after she pulls out of the hug, gesturing broadly at Rey’s gown. “You can literally never go wrong with an LBD.” Then she gingerly reaches out and touches one of Rey’s gentle chestnut waves and exclaims, “How do you get your hair to look like this?! My curls always fall flat in, like, point five seconds.”</p><p> </p><p>“Oh, I dunno,” Rey shrugs, “I just let it air dry, I guess?”</p><p> </p><p>“OH MY GOD, I HATE YOU SO MUCH!” Kaydel exclaims, but she’s grinning. “<em> God </em>, what’s it like to literally be the embodiment of the ‘I woke up like this’ meme?”</p><p> </p><p>Rey laughs, scrunching up her nose. </p><p> </p><p>“I don’t know about <em> that </em>, Kay,” Rey mutters, rolling her eyes.</p><p> </p><p>“Shut <em> up </em>, you’re totally gorgeous, ma’am, I don’t make the rules!” Kay snaps.</p><p> </p><p>“I couldn’t agree with you more, Kaydel,” Ben chimes in, and Rey starts blushing furiously.</p><p> </p><p>“You guys are honestly <em> such </em> a power couple, like, Ben, this charcoal suit is <em> totally </em> a serve and it goes well with that silver mask, which, by the way, I totally know is a reference to the Romeo and Juliet movie from the 90’s with Leonardo DiCaprio and Clare Danes or whatever, you fucking <em> nerds,” </em> Kaydel teases.</p><p> </p><p>And it’s true, they <em> did </em>choose their masks based on that movie; Rey’s mask is made of gilded gold and iridescent white, and it flares out into angel’s wings, a nod Juliet’s party costume in the film. </p><p> </p><p>“Rey, what does ‘a serve’ mean?” Ben mutters to his girlfriend under his breath.</p><p> </p><p>Rey giggles. “It’s a compliment, she’s basically just saying you look good.”</p><p> </p><p>“Oh, I see,” Ben replies awkwardly.</p><p> </p><p>“What are you two love birds muttering to each other about?” Kaydel asks, narrowing her eyes at them. “Anyway, Rose is waiting for us inside,” she says, grabbing Rey’s hand and forcefully pulling her along. Rey turns to Ben and mouths <em> I’m sorry about her </em> but he just chuckles. <em> I think she’s nice, </em>he mouths back.</p><p> </p><p>***</p><p>Doja Cat’s “Say So” is blasting through the speakers when they enter the party and, <em> wow, </em> Kaydel has really outdone herself this time, Rey thinks to herself.</p><p> </p><p>The whole house is decked out in fairy lights with glittering gold stars hanging from the ceiling at varying lengths, and there’s a red velvet swag garnishing the staircases, just like in the party scene in the 1996 <em> Romeo and Juliet. </em> Each circular table is outfitted with red velvet tablecloths peppered with gold star confetti. All the star motifs make Rey think of one of Juliet’s lines: <em> When he shall die, take him and cut him out in little stars, and he will make the face of heaven so fine, that all the world will be in love with night, and pay no worship to the garish sun. </em></p><p>  </p><p>And when she glances at Ben, she knows exactly what Juliet means because when their eyes meet, the rest of the lavish party melts away, and she can only see him. She feels him slide his hand into hers, and warmth pools in her chest at his touch.</p><p> </p><p>“Where <em> is </em> she?” Rey hears Kaydel clamor, snapping her out of her reverie. “I’ve texted her like ten ti-” </p><p> </p><p>And then Rose is standing behind Kaydel, covering her girlfriend’s eyes.</p><p> </p><p>“Guess who?” she says.</p><p> </p><p>Kaydel lets out a delighted little squeal and then turns around to see Rose, who looks prettier than Cinderella in her low cut light blue gown, with its shimmering crystal accents, low neckline, and full, tulle skirt. The dress is made only more beautiful when paired with her mask, which is shaped like  a pair of glittering silver butterfly wings.</p><p> </p><p>Kay looks around to make sure no one is in earshot other than Rey and Ben and then she whispers, “Babe, you look <em> so </em>beautiful, I wish I could kiss you right now.”</p><p><br/>
Rose blushes and smiles bashfully. </p><p> </p><p>“I know,” she whispers back. “Later, I promise.”</p><p> </p><p>“Um,” Kaydel starts, awkwardly turning back to her guests. “<em> Anyway </em>, you two need drinks,” she says firmly, and then she’s tugging Rey along again with Ben in tow, who seems very entertained by how exasperated Kaydel’s antics seem to make Rey. </p><p> </p><p>She takes Rey to one of the red velvet adorned tables where there is a large bowl of jungle juice, and she gingerly scoops it into two clear plastic cups, before handing them to Ben and Rey.</p><p> </p><p>“Drink up!” she exclaims. Ben and Rey glance at each other awkwardly and then they each take tentative sips of their drinks. </p><p> </p><p>“What’s in this, anyway?” Rey asks.</p><p> </p><p>“Oh, probably like twelve different types of liquor,” Kaydel remarks casually as she scoops herself a generous portion. “Who knows!” she exclaims, and then tosses back the drink in three large gulps, before wiping off her lips with the back of her hand. </p><p> </p><p>“Oh, and how could I forget my girlfr—<em> very best friend in the world, </em>” she says, correcting herself as someone walks by. She scoops another cup of the jungle juice and hands it to her girlfriend. </p><p> </p><p>“Thanks, Kay,” Rose replies, and then she takes a sip and shudders, scrunching up her face. “<em> Kaydel </em>, that’s disgusting.”</p><p> </p><p>“This is true, but, hey, it gets the job done!” Kaydel chirps, enthusiastically scooping up another serving for herself.</p><p> </p><p>“Yeah, I guess you’re right,” Rose mutters, before taking another squeamish sip and, just then, the rousing, electronic beat of Lady Gaga’s “Stupid Love” starts reverberating through the sorority house.</p><p> </p><p>“Oh my god, I <em> love </em>this song!” Kaydel squeaks. “Let’s go dance,” she adds, taking Rose’s hand.</p><p> </p><p>“Kay, what are you doing?” Rose mutters under her breath.</p><p> </p><p>“Can’t two best friends dance with each other without raising suspicions?” Kay asks.</p><p> </p><p>Rose sighs. “Fine, just don’t get carried away,” she teases, following her to the dance floor.</p><p> </p><p>Rey turns to Ben.</p><p> </p><p>“So, are you going to dance with me or what, Solo?” Rey asks as she sets down the drink that she just finished. </p><p> </p><p>“I’m not really one for dancing,” Ben admits terseley, setting down his drink and then nervously shoving his hands in his pockets as his eyes dart upward.</p><p> </p><p>“<em> Ben </em>,” Rey admonishes, tugging at his arm. “Please? Just once? For me?”</p><p> </p><p>Ben sighs, shaking his head as a smile tugs at his lips</p><p> </p><p>“Only for you, sweetheart,” he murmurs, and then he lets her guide him onto the dance floor. </p><p> </p><p>The strobe lights that flash through the house seem to synchronize with the beat of the song, and Rey starts swaying to the beat, but frowns when she sees Ben still just <em> standing there </em> with his hands in his pockets.</p><p> </p><p><em> Look at me now, ‘cause all I ever wanted was love </em> , Lady Gaga’s voice croons, and Rey pulls his hands out of his pockets, smirking at him as she tries to get him to move to the beat, tugging his hands along to the rhythm of the song, and she realizes that he <em> definitely </em>has two left feet and zero sense of rhythm, but she loves him all the more for his endearing awkwardness as he attempts to make movements that are somewhere in the realm of dance moves for her sake, and by the end of the song, they’re both laughing so hard they’re gasping for air.</p><p> </p><p>***</p><p>Ben lets Kaydel and Rose cut in for the next number, and then excuses himself to go get another drink, and, much to his unending chagrin, he sees Armie standing by the punch bowl.</p><p> </p><p>Armie scoffs when he sees him.</p><p> </p><p>“So you’re alive, then,” he goads.</p><p> </p><p>Ben sighs deeply. </p><p> </p><p>“What are you talking about, Armie?” he asks.</p><p> </p><p>“You haven’t been returning my calls or texts,” Armie retorts.</p><p> </p><p>“Yeah, well, I haven’t exactly been wanting to hang out with you lately.”</p><p> </p><p>“I know, I know, you’re too busy hanging out with that chick from the play,” Armie mutters, rolling his eyes.</p><p> </p><p>“That <em> woman’s </em>name is Rey,” he corrects.</p><p> </p><p>“Yeah, whatever man,” Armie mutters. “I gotta go,” he adds, before forcefully pushing against Ben’s shoulder as he passes by.</p><p> </p><p>Ben sighs in frustration as he scoops himself another cup of jungle juice. </p><p> </p><p>***</p><p> </p><p>The evening presses on. Rey only has one cup of jungle juice, which proves to be plenty; and besides, she’s happy enough dancing with her favorite people in the world, the first people to make her ever feel like she’s not alone, that she doesn’t need to get drunk. She’s already blissful. </p><p> </p><p>Ben has two cups of jungle juice, but he must have a high tolerance, because he doesn’t seem particularly affected by it.</p><p> </p><p>He excuses himself to go to the bathroom, and then Rey is left alone with Kay and Rose, who have helped themselves to <em> several </em> cups of jungle juice, and Rey is beginning to feel like a babysitter as she hovers protectively around them, reminding them that they are in public and to be careful not to get <em> too </em> cozy with each other.</p><p> </p><p>But then the beginning’s of Halsey and the Chainsmokers “Closer” thuds through the speakers, and Kaydel shrieks. </p><p> </p><p>“<em> Babe </em>!” she exclaims, grabbing Rose’s hand, “It’s our song!”</p><p> </p><p>“<em> Oh my God </em>,” Rose squeals, turning to Rey. “This was playing at a party the night I met the great love of my life, Miss Kaydel Connix,” Rose drawls, her words drunkenly slurring together. </p><p> </p><p>“<em> Guys </em>,” Rey chides. “You’re still in public, remember? Please be careful.”</p><p> </p><p>“Pffffft,” Kaydel blurts out. “We are <em> in love,” </em> she slurs, grabbing Rose’s hand. “So if you will excuse us, <em> ma’am </em> <em> — </em>”</p><p> </p><p>Kaydel and Rose giddily scurry onto the dance floor together, and Rey watches as Kaydel pulls in Rose by her waist as Rose’s fingers affectionately card through Kaydel’s hair. </p><p> </p><p>Rey suddenly feels a surge of guilt, realizing how she takes for granted that she can dance with Ben, and hold his hand, and kiss him, all without ever having to fear for her safety. But now her stomach is in knots watching her two best friends being so openly affectionate with each other, and knowing it can’t end well.</p><p> </p><p>She pushes through the crowd to get to them, and they are already drawing attention. Rey starts to panic, unsure of what to do.</p><p> </p><p>“Um,” she manages awkwardly, tapping on Kaydel’s shoulder, “It’s been a long night, I think, I think, um, maybe we should all head home—”</p><p> </p><p>“Can’t you see we’re <em> busy </em>, Rey,” Rose slurs.</p><p> </p><p>“Yes, that’s exactly the problem,” Rey mutters, but they’re too far gone now to listen to reason. They are not going to stop. </p><p> </p><p>And then they kiss, and Rey feels like everything that happens after that unfurls in slow motion.</p><p> </p><p>First she hears the wolf whistles. Then she sees a red haired man pushing through the crowd, flanked by two other frat boys, and they’re smirking smugly as they gaze at Kay and Rose, as if they were putting on a show for them to watch. It makes Rey feel sick to her stomach. </p><p> </p><p>Kaydel and Rose pull apart suddenly, as if they’re finally registering what’s happening.</p><p> </p><p>“God, it’s <em> so fucking hot </em> when sorority girls get drunk and start making out with each other,” the redheaded man taunts. “Hey <em> ladies </em>, why don’t you give each other another little kiss?” he goads, stepping closer to them. </p><p> </p><p>Rey’s heartbeat is drumming in her ears as she steps toward him.</p><p> </p><p>“Leave them alone,” she snaps. </p><p> </p><p>“Awww, this one’s mad, isn’t that cute?” one of the frat boys taunts.</p><p> </p><p>“She’s pretty sexy, I wonder if she would join the other ladies,” another boy chimes in.</p><p> </p><p>“<em> Piss off, </em>” Rey snaps.</p><p> </p><p>“Oh, this one’s no fun <em> at all </em>,” the redhead says with a sigh. </p><p> </p><p>“Please leave us alone,” Kaydel finally manages.</p><p> </p><p>Just then, Rey sees Ben pushing through the crowd. </p><p> </p><p>“Yeah, Armie,” he snaps. “Leave them alone.”</p><p> </p><p>“Oh, come on, Benjamin, you know you want to see them kiss, too. You know it would be so fucking hot.”</p><p> </p><p>“Armie, I’m warning you. You need to leave them alone and leave this party. <em> Now </em>,” Ben says firmly, his hand balling into a fist.</p><p> </p><p>Armie scoffs. </p><p> </p><p>“And who’s going to stop me? <em>You?</em> <em>Please</em>, you’ve gone all soft since you joined that stupid play and met that stupid girl. What’s her name again? <em>May</em>?”</p><p> </p><p>“<em> It’s Rey, </em>” Ben mutters through gritted teeth.</p><p> </p><p>“Yeah, whatever, I literally don’t care either way,” Armie says with a roll of his eyes, before turning back to Kaydel and Rose. “Ladies, I’m <em> so sorry </em> for this <em> intrusion.” </em></p><p> </p><p>“We said you wanted you to leave us alone,” Rose snaps.</p><p> </p><p>“Well, you two are no fun <em> at all, </em> teasing us with that kiss and then leaving us hanging. <em> Stupid fucking dykes. </em>”</p><p> </p><p>And then, before Rey even fully registers what’s happening, Ben’s fist is flying through the air.</p><p> </p><p>And he punches Armie square in the face.</p>
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<a name="section0022"><h2>22. Chapter 22</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p><p><b>From</b> : Roger Robertson &lt;<span class="u">rrobertson@briarbrook.edu</span>&gt; </p><p><b>Sent</b>: April 5, 2020 9:23 AM</p><p><b>To</b> : Benjamin Solo &lt;<span class="u">bsolo@briarbrook.edu</span>&gt; </p><p><b>Subject</b>: Dismissal From Briarbrook</p><p> </p><p>Dear Mr. Solo,</p><p> </p><p>This message is to inform you of your dismissal from Briarbrook College, effective immediately.</p><p> </p><p>As you’ll recall, one of the parameters of the agreement you signed that allowed you to stay at Briarbrook included not committing any further crimes. Given the altercation that occurred with Mr. Armitage Hux last night, you are in breach of this tenant of the agreement.</p><p> </p><p>Thank you for your understanding in this matter,</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>Roger Robertson</b>
</p><p>President, Briarbrook College </p><hr/><p><b>From</b> : Alyssa Jones  &lt;<span class="u">ajones@briarbrook.edu</span>&gt; </p><p><b>Sent</b>: April 5, 2020 9:42 AM</p><p><b>To</b> : Kaydel Connix &lt;<span class="u">kconnix@briarbrook.edu</span>&gt; </p><p><b>Subject</b>: Suspension from Delta Sigma Sigma</p><p> </p><p>Dear Kaydel,</p><p> </p><p>Myself and the other sisters have agreed that your behavior last evening was not in accordance with Delta Sigma Sigma values. Delta Sig sisters conduct themselves with decorum and grace, and would never allow allow a situation to escalate to what happened last night. Your behavior reflects poorly on this sorority, and we have elected to suspend you from the sisterhood indefinitely.</p><p> </p><p>Regards,</p><p>
  <b>Alyssa Jones</b>
</p><p>Briarbrook ‘21</p><p>Nursing Major</p><p>Vice President, Delta Sigma Sigma</p><hr/><p><b>From</b> : Jasmine O’Connor  &lt;<span class="u">joconnor@briarbrook.edu</span>&gt; </p><p><b>Sent</b>: April 5, 2020 9:57 AM</p><p><b>To</b> : Rose Tico &lt;<span class="u">rtico@briarbrook.edu</span>&gt; </p><p><b>Subject</b>: Your standing on the cheer squad</p><p> </p><p>Dear Rose,</p><p> </p><p>The Briarbrook Bengals Cheer Team prides itself on its strong moral values. We hold all of our cheerleaders to the highest possible standards in order to put forth the best possible image. It has become clear that your lifestyle is incompatible with the family values we hold as an organization, and we are writing to inform you of your dismissal from the team, effective immediately. </p><p> </p><p>Sincerely,</p><p>
  <b>Jasmine O’Connor</b>
</p><p>Briarbrook ‘22</p><p>Psychology Major</p><p>Co-Cheer Captain, Briarbrook Bengals Cheer Team</p><p> </p><p> </p><hr/><p>
  
</p><hr/><p>Ben winces as Rey applies a warm washcloth to his swollen, lacerated hand.</p><p> </p><p>“<em> Ah </em> <em> – </em>”</p><p> </p><p>“I’m sorry,” Rey says, her face scrunching up in concern, “But the urgent care doctor said you need to clean the wound and change the bandage at least twice a day.”</p><p> </p><p>She gingerly presses the warm wash cloth against the cuts along his knuckles, trying to apply as little pressure as possible, her eyes constantly darting up to his face to make sure she hasn’t hurt him too much. </p><p> </p><p>“<em> Ow,” </em> he mutters through his teeth when the washcloth brushes up against the biggest cut. A tiny gasp escapes from Rey’s lips.</p><p> </p><p> “Sorry, sorry,” she stammers. </p><p> </p><p>“It’s okay,” he murmurs, pulling her in by her waist with his uninjured hand, “You’re taking good care of me, sweetheart.” </p><p> </p><p>He kisses her forehead, and an adorable flush appears on her freckled cheeks. </p><p> </p><p>“I’m just worried about you, I want to make sure it’s clean so it doesn’t get infected or anything,” Rey insists, going back to gently dabbing at the cuts.</p><p> </p><p>It actually doesn’t hurt <em> that </em> badly, or, at least, it’s nothing he’s not used to, but he enjoys Rey fussing over him <em> entirely </em>too much. </p><p> </p><p>She then reaches over for the bandage wrap that’s sitting beside them on the coffee table. She gently takes his injured hand in one of her own and starts slowly wrapping the injury, working carefully and nimbly while her eyes constantly dart up to his face to make sure she isn’t hurting him. </p><p> </p><p>He flinches particularly hard at one point and Rey lets out a concerned <em> Oh </em>, and then quickly places a kiss on his forehead. </p><p> </p><p>Yes, he <em> is </em>enjoying this entirely too much. </p><p> </p><p>As she goes to secure the bandage, it does hurt a little, but he exaggerates just how much, pulling his hand away suddenly, his whole face scrunching up. </p><p> </p><p>“<em> Ah– </em>” he bleats out again.</p><p> </p><p>Rey’s eyebrows raise and a tiny gasp escapes from her parted lips.</p><p> </p><p>“Oh, I’m sorry, Ben,” she says. “Did I hurt you?” </p><p> </p><p>“A little,” he admits. </p><p> </p><p>Her face scrunches up adorably again, and then she places a small kiss on his lips.</p><p> </p><p>“I wasn’t quite finished yet–” she says, delicately reaching out to take his hand and placing it in her own.  She carefully secures the wrapping, gently folding it over and tying a knot at the end. “Does it feel too tight, or is that okay?” </p><p> </p><p>“No, it feels fine. Thank you, Rey,” he says.</p><p> </p><p>“Let me go get some ice,” she says and she starts to stand up, but Ben tugs at her arm. “Oh, did you need something el–”</p><p> </p><p>He kisses her lips, and she blushes adorably again. </p><p> </p><p>“Just that,” he says with a sly smirk.</p><p> </p><p>Rey narrows her eyes playfully and then gets up to retrieve some ice from the refrigerator, which she carefully wraps up in a washcloth. </p><p> </p><p>She carefully, slowly, gently places the ice pack on his hand, all swollen with purple bruises, and Ben winces again.</p><p> </p><p>“Gah, I’m sorry,” Rey stammers, a stitch forming between her brows. “I’m trying to be gentle.”</p><p> </p><p>“I know you are,” Ben murmurs, and then he places a kiss on the tip of her nose, and she scrunches her nose up and lets out a tiny giggle in response.</p><p> </p><p>Her hand is still resting on top of the ice pack, and Ben rests his other, uninjured hand on top of hers.</p><p> </p><p>“I still don’t understand why they are kicking you out,” Rey says, shaking her head.</p><p> </p><p>“I technically violated the terms of the agreement that allowed me to stay on campus,” Ben explains. “When I called the President to ask for clarification, he said I’m lucky Armie didn’t sue me for assault and battery, and his dad is a lawyer, so.”</p><p> </p><p>“But that’s so fucking <em> stupid, </em>” Rey says, her tone incredulous. “Like, Armie should be glad Kaydel and Rose aren’t suing him for harassment, if anything. There were literally hundreds of witnesses.”</p><p> </p><p>“Yes, but almost all of them are in Greek life, and, at least at Briarbrook, they tend to protect their own, and Armie is in Kappa Kappa Sigma,” Ben replies.</p><p> </p><p>“I guess I’m just failing to understand what you did wrong here.”</p><p> </p><p>“The President seems to think I should have tried to solve the conflict in a more ‘civil’ manner,” Ben explains. “But I don’t think ‘using my words’ would have helped in this situation. Armie needed to shut his stupid mouth before he said or did anything else to hurt Kaydel and Rose, and at that point, nothing short of a punch in the face was going to get him to stop.”</p><p> </p><p>Rey sighs, exasperated.</p><p> </p><p>“Exactly!” she exclaims, “Why don’t they understand that?”</p><p> </p><p>“Because they apparently care more about protecting the reputation of one of their biggest donor’s sons than they do about the safety of women and LGBT students,” he mutters. “The worst part of it all though, I think, worse than me getting kicked out, is Kaydel being kicked out of her sorority and Rose getting kicked off the cheer squad. They did absolutely nothing wrong.”</p><p> </p><p>“Except for the crime of being lesbians in small-town rural Indiana,” Rey says ruefully. “It’s all so fucked up.”</p><p> </p><p>Just then, Ben’s phone starts buzzing. He reluctantly removes his hand from where it rests on top of Rey’s to check it.</p><p> </p><p>“Fuck,” he grumbles, “The news got a hold of the story and they’re asking me to comment.”</p><p> </p><p>“<em> Jesus </em>, that’s the last thing Kaydel and Rose need right now,” Rey says frustratedly. </p><p> </p><p>And then his phone starts buzzing again. </p><p> </p><p>“Leia Organa?” Rey says, glancing at the name that comes up on his phone, “Isn’t she a U.S. Senator or something? Why is she calling you?”</p><p> </p><p>“Because Senator Organa also happens to be my mother.” </p><p> </p><hr/><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>“No, no I don’t want you to try to get the media to spin this into me being some type of hero, this isn’t about me, if anything I want the story to go away because I’m sure the last thing Kaydel and Rose want right now is more attention drawn to them,” Rey hears Ben saying to his mother on the phone.</p><p> </p><p>“I mean, you really don’t have to come up – oh you’re trying to get out of a meeting with Mitch McConnell? – that’s fair I guess –  yes, I can give you the number for the college’s president – <em>Mom, stop </em>she’s literally sitting right next to me – no, I’m not going to ask her that – <em>Mom</em>, we’ve been together for less than two weeks – I mean, yes, of course, just not right now – alright, well I guess I’ll see you tomorrow?– No, I said <em>I</em>, not <em>we</em>, Mom, jeez – Love you, too, bye, Mom.”</p><p> </p><p>Rey eyes Ben quizzically after he ends the call and sets his phone back down on the coffee table.</p><p> </p><p>“What was all <em> that </em> about?” she asks. “And <em> when </em> were you planning to tell me that Senator Organa is your mother?”<br/><br/></p><p>“It just hadn’t come up yet,” he says with a shrug. “And once the news picked up the story, my mother got wind of it pretty quickly, and she’s none too pleased. I told her she can just call the college president if she really wants to, but she insisted on also coming up to speak to him in person tomorrow. I tried to tell her she didn’t have to, but apparently she already bought her plane ticket, so.”</p><p> </p><p>Rey smirks. </p><p> </p><p>“I like your mother already,” she says, and then she sighs. “This is all just so unfair. You’ve come so far, and I know your degree is so important to you.”</p><p> </p><p>“It is,” he says, “But also, I could probably finish it somewhere else if I had to. What I’m most concerned about is not being able to be in Romeo and Juliet with you anymore.”</p><p> </p><p>“But you’d have to start the semester all over again if you start somewhere else,” Rey says exasperatedly. “And then all the times you ignored me in the theater because you were too busy with your stupid computer engineering books would have been for nothing,” she adds with a teasing grin.</p><p> </p><p>He sighs and lifts his uninjured hand to her cheek. </p><p> </p><p>“I just think it would kill me to watch someone else be your Romeo,” he says.</p><p> </p><p>“I’d sooner quit than play opposite anyone else,” Rey retorts.</p><p> </p><p>He furrows his brow.</p><p> </p><p>“But this is your dream role, and you worked so hard. You can’t quit, Rey.”</p><p> </p><p>“Maybe if we hadn’t fallen in love playing Romeo and Juliet together I could play opposite someone else, but I don’t think I could possibly say <em> ‘my bounty is as boundless as the sea, my love as deep, the more I give to thee, the more I have, for both are infinite’ </em> to anyone but you anymore,” Rey says forlornly.</p><p> </p><p>“And, for that matter, I don’t want to watch you say<em> ‘o trespass sweetly urged, give me my sin again’ </em> to anyone else,” Ben replies ruefully. </p><p> </p><p>“I mean...I wouldn’t say it with <em> quite </em> as much flourish or look at him quite the same way as I look at you, because I am thinking of some <em> very specific things </em>when I deliver that line,” she says with a coy smirk.</p><p> </p><p>“But I don’t want to say it to anyone else, either,” she adds reassuringly.</p><p> </p><p>“I just hope this all gets sorted out, and I really hope they let Kaydel back into her sorority and Rose back onto the cheer squad as well,” Ben tells her.</p><p> </p><p>“I don’t think they’re too keen on going back, now that they know how everyone really feels about them, and I can hardly blame them,” Rey replies.</p><p> </p><p>“That’s fair,” Ben says, and then he sighs. “The whole situation is so fucked up.”</p><p> </p><p>“I know, love,” Rey says, absentmindedly running her fingers through Ben’s dark hair, and then resting her forehead against his. “But hopefully your mum can talk some sense into these idiots.”</p><hr/><p>
  <strong> <em> <span class="u">Kaydel is Currently Listening To:</span> </em> </strong>
</p><p>
  <strong> <em> <span class="u">  </span> </em> </strong>
</p><hr/><p>
  <strong> <em> <span class="u">Rey is Currently Listening To:</span> </em> </strong>
</p><p>
  <strong> <em> <span class="u">  </span> </em> </strong>
</p><hr/><p>
  <strong> <em> <span class="u">  </span> </em> </strong>
</p><hr/><p> </p><p>
  <b>Dr. Jannah Calrissian, Ph.D., Psy.D.</b>
</p><p>Clinical Psychologist, Briarbrook College</p><p>2289 Maple Drive</p><p>Briarbrook, IN</p><p>
  
</p><p>April 6, 2020</p><p>Mr. Roger Robertson</p><p>Briarbrook College</p><p>2379 Maple Drive</p><p>Briarbrook, IN </p><p>
  
</p><p>Dear Mr. Robertson:</p><p>
  
</p><p>I hope this letter finds you well. </p><p>
  
</p><p>I am writing regarding one of my patients, Benjamin Solo, who has signed a release form allowing me to discuss his treatment progress with you for the purpose of appealing the decision to have him dismissed from Briarbrook College.</p><p>
  
</p><p>One of the tenets of the agreement that allowed Mr. Solo to keep his place at Briarbrook was attending therapy sessions. He has consistently attended therapy every week since January 24, 2020, and the patient has made tremendous strides in his recovery from self-harm and lack of impulse control. The patient’s behavior, which was labelled as criminal, did not stem from intent to harm anyone, and was rather a form of self-harm, an unhealthy coping mechanism the patient had developed as a result of major depression and complex post-traumatic stress disorder. Focusing on his computer engineering degree, which the patient has indicated a strong passion for, as well as participating in the Drama Society -- another tenet of his agreement -- has been instrumental in the patient’s recovery process. The patient’s progress notes have, in fact, proved tremendously useful in my research on the effects of drama therapy on reducing criminal behavior. </p><p>
  
</p><p>I am concerned that the administration’s decision regarding Mr. Solo could have a strongly detrimental effect on his recovery, particularly because he will no longer be able to receive care from the Briarbrook Counseling Center if he is not a registered student at Briarbrook College. The patient and I have developed a strong rapport over these past several months, and I imagine it may be a challenge for the patient to find another clinician with whom he feels comfortable. </p><p>
  
</p><p>Based on my understanding of the incident that occurred on Saturday evening, Mr. Solo’s actions did not stem from a lack of impulse control or intent to engage in criminal behavior; rather, Mr. Solo was rather nobly defending his friends from severely escalating harassment on the part of Mr. Armitage Hux. From my understanding of the situation, it seems unlikely that Mr. Hux would have stopped unless Mr. Solo stepped in, and I doubt asking him nicely to stop would have worked seeing as, to my understanding, Mr. Solo had already tried that. Punching him was a last resort, and again, was done in an effort to protect his friends.</p><p>
  
</p><p>I hope that, given the above information, you will reconsider the decision to remove Mr. Solo from the college.</p><p>
  
</p><p>Best Regards,</p><p>Dr. Jannah Calrissian</p><hr/><p>
  
</p><hr/><p>
  
</p><p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0023"><h2>23. Chapter 23</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p><b>Trigger warning</b> for victim blaming in this chapter</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p><p><b>From</b> : Roger Robertson &lt; <span class="u"> rrobertson@briarbrook.edu </span>&gt;</p><p><b>Sent</b>: April 6, 2020 12:59 PM</p><p><b>To</b> : Jannah Calrissian &lt; <span class="u"> jcalrissian@briarbrook.edu </span>&gt;</p><p><b>Subject</b>: Re: Letter of support for Benjamin Solo </p><p> </p><p>Dear Miss Calrissian,</p><p> </p><p>Thank you for your letter. Our decision, however, remains firm. Mr. Solo violated the terms of his agreement. Your attempts to justify Mr. Solo’s violent behavior are valiant, indeed. I don’t know how things are wherever it is that you come from, but here we recognize punching someone in the face as a violent crime. </p><p> </p><p>Whatever it is Mr. Hux was saying to these young women, I can’t imagine it was bad enough to warrant a violent attack, and besides, from my understanding, the young women were drunk and behaving inappropriately, and this has perhaps served as a lesson for them that actions have consequences. You cannot go around behaving in such a manner and expect there won’t be repercussions.</p><p> </p><p>Mr. Solo will hopefully learn a similar lesson from this decision. There is no way to justify physically assaulting another student, and, as such, our decision is final.</p><p> </p><p>Thank you for your understanding in this matter.</p><p> </p><p>Best Regards,</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>Roger Robertson</b>
</p><p>President, Briarbrook College</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>It has been very difficult for Ben to control his impulsive urges since he got the news that he has to leave Briarbrook.</p><p> </p><p>Part of him feels like, <em> fuck it, </em> you don’t have anything left to lose, but then Rey sits down on the couch next to him, gingerly picking up his injured hand to change the bandage again, and he feels a heaviness in his chest when he remembers that no, he has so, <em> so </em>much to lose now. </p><p> </p><p>He was taken aback at how readily so many people came to his defense, and he doesn't feel like he deserves such unwavering support. He was half convinced his actions would scare Rey away, but here she is, affectionate and adoring as ever, gingerly taking care of his injured hand.</p><p> </p><p>“You should be leaving for rehearsal soon, sweetheart,” he says gently.</p><p> </p><p>This appears to upset her.</p><p> </p><p>“I already told you,” she snaps, without looking up from cleaning his cuts, “I’m not going — besides,” she adds, “I thought you didn’t want me to go, anyway.”</p><p> </p><p>“I mean, I don’t rejoice at the idea of you playing Juliet opposite someone else, but I don’t want you to throw away this opportunity, either, Rey,” he retorts.</p><p> </p><p>Rey sighs deeply and sets the wash cloth on the coffee table. </p><p> </p><p>“I just hate this whole stupid fucking situation,” she says, and he notices there are tears prickling in her eyes. “You’ve come so far, and you don’t deserve any of this. You did the right thing. I just don’t understand.”</p><p> </p><p>It does help to lessen the ache in his chest to hear her say these words to him so resolutely. </p><p> </p><p>He gently places his uninjured hand on her back and then she wraps her arms around him, burying her face in his chest as tears start to fall from her eyes. He gingerly strokes her soft chestnut colored hair as he pulls her closer to him. He needs her close to him right now, because she’s the only thing keeping him steady, the only thing keeping him from making his left hand match his right. </p><p> </p><p>“I’ll tell Professor Kanata I can’t make it to rehearsal tonight, and I’ll wait until tomorrow to make a decision, because I don’t want to fight about this right now, okay?” Rey says, turning her head up to look at him. “And besides, your mom still hasn’t met with the president yet, so there’s still a chance he’ll change his mind.”</p><p> </p><p>“I’m starting to doubt he will ever change his mind at this point,” Ben mutters.</p><p><br/>
“I mean, I don’t know much about American politics, but I have heard a great deal about Senator Organa, and something tells me she won’t take no for an answer,” Rey says, and there’s a certainty in her voice that helps to soothe his anxiety. And what she’s saying is true, too — his mother does <em> not </em>take no for an answer.</p>
<hr/><p>
  
</p>
<hr/><p><b>From</b> : Roger Robertson &lt; <span class="u"> rrobertson@briarbrook.edu </span>&gt;</p><p><b>Sent</b>: April 6, 2020 4:35 PM</p><p><b>To</b>: Briarbrook Student Body</p><p><b>Subject</b>: Statement on incident at Delta Sigma Sigma party</p><p> </p><p>Dear Briarbrook Students:</p><p> </p><p>As you may be aware, two of our students were victims of verbal sexual harassment on Saturday evening, and were targeted with hateful, homophobic language. I want to make it clear that such behavior is not tolerated at Briarbrook, where we strive to create a welcoming environment for all students regardless of gender, race, ethnicity, religion, or sexual orientation. </p><p> </p><p>In response to this incident, the college is revising its harassment policy and making strides to become a more inclusive and safe space. We will also be implementing a new support line through the counseling center specifically aimed at aiding LGBTQ+ students in crisis.</p><p> </p><p>I will also be resigning from my position as president, effective immediately, and will be replaced by Vice President Amilyn Holdo, who will be working with Kaydel Connix, who has been re-instated as Delta Sigma Sigma President, on an initiative to address the rampant problem of sexual harassment within Greek Life, in addition to leading a committee to make Greek life more inclusive for LGBTQ+ individuals.</p><p> </p><p>Best Regards,</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>Roger Robertson</b>
</p><p>President, Briarbrook College</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p><b>From</b> : Amilyn Holdo  &lt; <span class="u"> aholdo@briarbrook.edu </span>&gt; </p><p><b>Sent</b>: April 6, 2020 4:46 PM</p><p><b>To:</b> Jennifer O’Connor  &lt; <span class="u"> joconnor@briarbrook.edu </span>&gt; </p><p><b>Subject</b>: Your standing on the cheer squad</p><p> </p><p>Dear Ms. O’Connor,</p><p> </p><p>It has been brought to my attention that you have made a decision to remove one of the Bengals Cheer Team members, Ms. Rose Tico, from the cheer team based on her sexual orientation. </p><p> </p><p>I am sitting here with Senator Leia Organa, who would be interested in bringing this case to the Supreme Court, so they can rule on whether private college cheer teams are within their rights to deny an LGBT student to be on the squad, or if it is considered a Title IX violation. </p><p> </p><p>If you do not wish this case to be brought to this level, then you need to resign from the cheer team immediately and reinstate Rose Tico as cheer captain.</p><p> </p><p>Thank you for your understanding in this matter. </p><p> </p><p>Sincerely,</p><p>
  <b>Amilyn Holdo</b>
</p><p>President, Briarbrook College</p>
<hr/><p><b>From</b> : Roger Robertson &lt; <span class="u"> rrobertson@briarbrook.edu </span>&gt;</p><p><b>Sent</b>: April 6, 2020 5:06 PM</p><p><b>To</b> : Jannah Calrissian &lt; <span class="u"> jcalrissian@briarbrook.edu </span>&gt; </p><p><b>Subject</b>: Formal apology </p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>Dear Doctor Calrissian,</p><p> </p><p>I would like to offer a formal apology for the way I spoke to you in my last email. Firstly, I need to apologize for addressing you as “Miss”, when you have 2 Ph.D.’s, which is two more Ph.D.’s than I have. </p><p> </p><p>I would like to apologize for the sexist and racist implications of some of the statements I made towards you, as well as the overall condescending tone with which I addressed you.</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>Senator Organa has recommended I read the book “Women, Race, and Class” by Angela Davis, and has also suggested that I consider never speaking to women ever again.</p><p> </p><p>Once again, I apologize profusely for the way I addressed you in my email.</p><p> </p><p>Best Regards,</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <b>Roger Robertson</b>
</p><p>Former President, Briarbrook College</p><p> </p><p> </p>
<hr/><p>
  
</p><p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0024"><h2>24. Chapter 24</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
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<hr/>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>Therapy Progress Notes </b>
</p>
<p><b>Date</b>: 5/1/20</p>
<p><b>Start of Care</b>: 1/24/20</p>
<p><b>Patient Name</b>: Benjamin Organa Solo</p>
<p><b>DOB:</b> 2/22/97</p>
<p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
<p>The patient appeared to be in good spirits, but also a bit preoccupied. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>He said he is anxious about his looming graduation, and what that means for him, and above all, what that means for his relationship with Rey.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He said he eventually wants to do something with his computer engineering degree, but right now, he wants to explore stage acting more, and in order to do that, he will have to move to a bigger city like Chicago. And even if he wanted to get a computer engineering job, there aren’t many opportunities in Briarbrook.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He knows Rey will be understanding because she loves him, and he emphasized that he absolutely has no intention of breaking up with her, but he doesn’t want her to feel abandoned again. He said he can’t exactly ask his girlfriend of a month to move to Chicago with him, but he’s worried she might not want to do long distance.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>When asked if this anxiety is triggering any self-harm impulses he said no, and they last time he felt triggered to engage in self-harm was after he briefly got kicked out of school, but support from Rey helped him feel calmer and it made him realize “beyond a shadow of a doubt” that she’s the person he wants to spend the rest of his life with. He said he also realized that his situation at the time was far less trying than what Kaydel and Rose were going through and that helped put his situation into perspective, and he said both his mom, myself, and Professor Kanata all made him feel supported as well, so he would’ve been okay either way but “things are always so much better when she is around — the world is a lot less scary, and my mind is a lot less chaotic, and she makes me feel like a better person, makes me want to <em> be </em> a better person.” He said he’s never been more certain about anything than he is about her, and now he’s scared he’s going to lose her, but he knows he can’t stay in Briarbrook forever, either. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>He said he will talk to Kaydel, whom he describes as the “Rey whisperer” about it; he believes Kaydel will be able to help him navigate how to talk to Rey about this.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“We’ve come so far,” the patient said, “I just don’t want to lose her now.”</p>
<p> </p>
<hr/>
<p>
  <strong> <em> <span class="u">Ben texts Kaydel.</span> </em> </strong>
</p>
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  </div></div>
<a name="section0025"><h2>25. Chapter 25</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p><b>Content warning</b> for pregnancy in this final chapter</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <hr/><p> </p><p>
  <strong>THREE YEARS LATER</strong>
</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p>
  
</p>
<hr/><p>
  
</p>
<hr/><p>
  
</p><p> </p><p><strong> <em> <span class="u">One final Spotify feed update...</span> </em> </strong> <span class="code char">♥</span></p><p> </p><p>
  
</p>
<hr/><p>
  <strong>EPILOGUE: THREE YEARS LATER</strong>
</p>
<hr/><p>
  <strong>  </strong>
</p><p>
  <strong>  </strong>
</p>
<hr/><p> </p><p><strong>THE END </strong>❤️</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Come say hi to me on <a href="http://twitter.com/darthswift13">Twitter!</a></p></blockquote></div></div>
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